As I Approach 52...

First of all, yes, this is very much a cry for help.
My life is out of balance and I'm not sure what to do about it on my own.
I thought this year would be amazing - I bought a house, I have a new sporty convertible, I'd lost 75 pounds… I was SURE to be popular, go on loads of dates, and perhaps get married by the end of 2019.
But I haven't done a social activity in 4 months.
I have no real friends anymore.
I can only conclude that I am the problem.
Last July I went to Bear Week with friends from Orlando and had a great time. It ended up with me reaching out and asking a favor of the one friend I spent time with in San Diego. I was denied because him getting laid was more important than helping me out. And thus ended a three-year friendship where I feel I gave and gave and supported him financially and with friendship and got very little back in return except someone to drink with and have dinner with. I decided I'd rather eat alone.
And now I am utterly, utterly alone.
There's a boy in Los Angeles who I see about once a month; that passes for my social life, except I'm not really social with him. We go out to eat, we get some drinks or see a show, and then return to my place or the hotel for private time.
The most social I've been really was in Las Vegas when I discovered Gary and Todd happened to be in the hotel next door to me and we went out for dinner and drinks before Thanksgiving. It was social - it was an accident, but it was social.
I photograph these boys every week and my studio is filled with sexy men most days. I enjoy their company for an hour or two. We talk, we laugh, we shoot photo after photo, and then they go on with their lives and I return to my quietude.
I'm always talking online. I comment, I post, I share, I tweet… I'm very social on the media.
But it amounts to nothing because I spend my weekends binging Schitt's Creek or Bad Education on Netflix and eating my feelings.
I turn 52 in a few weeks.
From the outside, some might say that it looks like I have it all (except a great body, and fuck I wish that I wanted to work harder to have a great body, but the truth is…. I have no reason to….)
Again, I have a great career, a house, a car, money in the bank, money invested, I have all those things that you're supposed to want, all the things that society told us to work for and earn and acquire.
I have them all.
But I have nobody to share it with.
I have no reason to have it.
Why do I have a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo with 2 parking spaces? Couldn't I suffice with 1? And why have a house anyway? I have no-one to provide for. I have no one to leave it to.
What's the fucking point, really?
I just want someone to care about me, to reach out, to be there for me.
Someone to sit with who is interested in talking or not, listening and dreaming.
I want to have someone in my life that notices me.
I want to feel seen and I want to know that I matter… to someone.
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