April 1991

April 7, 1991
Well, I just did what must be the last act of a desperate man. I bought a friend. To be entirely correct, I bought a rat, Herman, to be my friend. I figure I rent a friend once a week in therapy, why no buy one for the home? I am using the old snake cage for his home; I hope he will be happy, though in this house, I doubt it is possible. Carolyn has the people at work, she has the dog, she has her folks, and I have nothing. Even Andrew is no longer a companion. I wonder if Herman can smell all the mice fed to the snake over the years…? I am going to ACA again tonight. Take 3. I talked with Liz about my not having friends and she thinks that ACA is a great place to start. The problem is that when I begin to make friends, I close them off to keep them from getting closer. I also started reading Bradshaw's book Homecoming again. This time I will do the meditations and exercises. Along with ACA and Liz, I hope to speed up my recovery. That way I will know sooner if I want to stay married or not. And then I can do something about it instead of living in this zombie state of apathy and indifference.
I am now outside the meeting room of what I hope is the ACA group I chose to attend back in January. I am going to try and tell them how afraid I am of making friends, but how desperately I need them. I hope it makes me cry.

This piece of paper is beauty in its symbolism. Upon it, I wept openly and deeply for the second dime in 10 years. At the meeting, I opened up much as I had with Liz and shared my loneliness and sorrow. And I sobbed for 20 minutes uncontrollably. As everyone touched my 6-visit keyring, each person thanked me for my honest, gut-level sharing. Ruth & Marge both said they would love to be my friend. So, in one day I have bought a new friend and maybe made several on my own. I called Liz just to leave a message and tell her, but she answered (it forwards home when she is available) and sounded quite pleased both that I went and that I cried. I have so much more to tell but must finish now and will write more soon.

April 9, 1991
I see a bad moon rising. I find myself in the midst of an anxiety attack and don't know what to do. The worst part is that I think everyone knows about what is happening with me. Carolyn and Tarot were talking about something at the party on Saturday and this morning as I dropped Carolyn off at work Kathy Riding gave me a look that said she knows what was going on. My medication is not going at all well. I feel better on the nights I forget to take them than on the nights I do. Carolyn should be coming home in a few minutes and I foresee some kind of confrontation.

April 14, 1991
I cried again. This time over not having anyone to call. I needed someone to call because Carolyn & I fought again today and it was an instant replay of the day my parents separated. So much so, in fact, that I am now unsure whether I will be getting a divorce or not. We certainly discussed it to the point of dividing furniture and trying to settle finances. I was frighteningly cruel; an exact copy of my father, fighting over petty issues such as credit cards.

April 21, 1991
Feeling the sadness
As a small child looking up
At a god not there.

April 22, 1991
In the beginning…
I have begun to take step number two in the program - I am looking for a higher power. At last night's meeting, I asked for some guidance in finding my HP and was offered several invitations to churches with other ACA members. One member, Larry, was quite powerful in his speaking about church and God. He wanted me to get down on my knees and ask for Jesus. I didn't then, but I did at home. I wanted to talk to Carolyn and see if she had gone to the meeting and what she thought, etc. When I got home at 9:30, she was asleep. So I kept silent and prayed to God for guidance.
In my thinking last night I began to feel sad for my marriage. I don't think I ever had a chance. I feel that I married Carolyn for a family and she married me to get out of her family. It wasn't that we loved each other (I feel), but other abusive needs that each of us wanted to be met. I wait to see if my prayer for help and guidance puts any of this in a clear light for me. I guess I wanted to feel the power of the Holy Spirit take control, to feel possessed by God's love… but that is an extreme and immediate gratification. I need to learn patience and moderation. P.S. Earth Day, today, I rode my bike.

April 23, 1991
Feeling more and more lonely at home again. It is actually as if blowing up at Carolyn last week was the release and now we are back in old patterns. Still are not talking - I don't actually know if she even went to a meeting, and that angers me. I had a wet dream last night and don't remember even the slightest detail. Usually I remember what happened just as I came, but not last night. I feel angry at myself for screwing up some wonderful opportunities. The photo shoot of the drummer and the business deal with William. Herman is lost in the kitchen somewhere. I need to trap him tonight. I read the first mediation in Bradshaw's book and am anxious to try it out.

April 24, 1991
During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They're all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.

April 27, 1991
Just for today, I will not overeat; I will be careful to avoid fatty foods and eat more fruits and vegetables. Just for today, I will go to the gym and exercise.
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