August 1995

August 10, 1995, sometime after midnight
Its been a while since I have written. One thing, more than any other prompted me to write at this time. I just ran my horoscope. Most of it is relatively mundane and not at all original. One section, however, has some very heavy insight (coincidence or irony?) -
Saturn in the Seventh House brings an air of seriousness to all your dealings with partners. Also, you are concerned more about the future of business and romantic associates now than at any other time. This is the most ephemeral of transits, and depends greatly on other aspects in the daily chart.
Saturn opposite Pluto marks a time when you may have serious doubts about the direction your life is proceeding, either in relationships or career. This is the time for you either to set aside these doubts or initiate the necessary change. Read More...

July 1995, Part 3

July 15, 1995
A fantasy come true. Wait until you hear about this. Remember "My So-Called Life"? Remember how one night I phoned that coffee house called Insomnia in Burbank to track Wilson Cruz down and just say hello? So, last night I meet him at Revolver! "Meet" isn't exactly the right word. I had Wilson naked in my bed. I made him cum twice. So I guess "meet" is kind of a polite word for what I did. It was a total trip. Read More...

July 1995, Part 2

July 9, 1995
A few days off from writing. And from reading my Miracles work. And from anything remotely social. The good news is that business seems back on track, for what that is worth. I am feeling a bit more secure that the money will keep rolling in and that I don't have to worry yet about homelessness and starvation. On the more personal front, I have a few feelings about which I wish to write. Something happened yesterday that really upset me. I was up on the roof with Scott most of the afternoon getting to know Michael and John a bit better through idle chit-chat poolside over cocktails. Then, as I had a 6:00 client in Toluca Lake, I had to leave, Scott appeared to be leaving on my heels, but said I should go and he would be fine. I later found out that he and Michael spent almost three hours chatting in Michael’s apartment. Read More...

July 1995

July 1, 1995
The Second Half Begins
So, six months down, six to go in the year. Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.... As a benchmark, or a milestone, or one of those “You Are Here” indicators, I am making new resolutions to improve my life. There is not much I can do about the job situation at present, but there is much I can do for my body and soul - things I have neglected or forgotten during the previous six months. I commit now, then, to healthy eating plan to be as low in fat and as low in calories as possible. At the same time, I must eat enough to maintain my gym workouts (at least one a day barring any major mishaps). I am going once in the day for aerobics and once in the afternoon for free weights. I will also do a second aerobic workout if time permits. Spiritually I have been remiss in my upkeep as well. I am therefore beginning my work in “A Course in Miracles” once again with today as day one. I will work on that each morning, and will write in here my goal for the day. I will also spend today coming up with some kind of budget for the month of July. I still maintain that I can survive with one client per day at $60 per client. Now I have to keep myself on track enough to get to the paper in time to make advertising deadlines so that I don't have another three week dry spell. All would be pretty good right now if I hadn’t missed that deadline last month. Obviously that was some sort of psychological sabotage on myself from my subconscious. I know that tricking isn’t the most glamorous life, but it IS at least a life. Better than a great deal of options open to me such as sharing this tiny apartment or living in the back of my truck. So, with positive attitude and improved mental and physical states, I begin this second half of 1995 refreshed, renewed and newly committed to self improvement. Read More...

June 1995

June 1, 1995
So, a new month and a new approach to an old problem. Weight. Yes, the old cow (moi) weighed in today at 192. I would love to think that it was all muscle weight, but the flab in the ass and thighs would deter anyone from believing such drivel. So, Aerobics EVERY day, training with weights EVERY scheduled day, Deal-A-Meal to keep track of what I eat, how much I eat, etc. What really upset me was the realization that I have been a member of the Athletic Club now for 4 months and have not shown noticeable improvement in the body fat percentage route. Yes, there are more muscles in my arms and chest, but there is also more fat in the hips and thighs. Yes, Gay Pride is a motivating factor, but so is the fact that I am working essentially as a hooker and cannot believe that men are paying me for my services when I look like this. Yes, its a downer kinda day, but also I have to be a realist about these things. I don't have the courage to just up and move - live a few months or years overseas or even just across the country - I don't have the courage to chuck it all and start over - I don't have the courage to make any MAJOR change in my life, so I have to be happy with the minor ones. I have to stop sabotaging myself when it comes to diet. I have to stop evading the gym because I feel “fat” (if I didn’t feel fat, why would I go in the first place?). I have to stop putting myself down and start supporting myself. It is tough being a call boy and trying to have some dignity. It is even more difficult to want to date, to want to find someone to have a romantic relationship with. I am thinking more and more about dating the men who advertise in Frontiers, but come back to that same argument - why would someone want someone who looks like this? I make the assumption that ALL the men who work in Frontiers are gorgeous GQ/International Male clones who are unreachable to someone like me. I know, intellectually, that I am wrong, but I also can’t overcome the feeling that I am somehow beneath or inferior to them. In short, the times they are a-changing, and I have to change with it or be lost roadside. Read More...