January 1995, Part 2

jangel3
January 10, 1995
FUCKUPS AND OTHER MYSTERIES
So, I have a man in my life, a clean bill of health and good friends. Who could want anything more? A pervert. A psychotic. Me. Here I am with a lot of good things going for me and I keep giving in to the sexual compulsivity. I skip the gym (though I want a great body so I can get me a man) in order to sleep because I was up till 4 am having sex with someone whose name eludes me. Not even that GREAT looking of a guy, but a willing bottom. And so I give in. I ignore what I say I want to do and do that which I say I do not wish to do. Is there logic or sense at all in the world? Maybe I just miss it but everyone else sees it? So, last night a little Asian boy who wanted to get fucked, tonight was another Asian boy who wanted to be my slave. THAT seems to be the problem, actually, all those bottoms out there enabling me to fall into my addiction. I blame them. They should be punished for tempting me away from my plan. Oh, there I go again. Read More...
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January 1995

I recently discovered the missing year of 1995 in an old Word document. It seems I tried to do my journal electronically for a bit before returning to the old book format. Here, then, are my memories of 1995.

cc12-wilson-cruz-head-shot
January 1, 1995
Is Dear Diary too corny a beginning? It is 10:39 pm on the first day of a new year. I have a lot to think about. Love, sex, money.... career, goals, desires.... what is it all about? Too lofty a subject, I think. Let’s start with something more “graspable” to the average reader. I had the best birthday in a number of years last night. Went out to Revolver with Scott S——, got reasonably tipsy and met an actual celebrity, Wilson Cruiz from "My So-Called Life." He was at the bar with Jared Leto. And yes, I took Wilson home. Crazy, right? It was totally corny - I asked him to pretend to be Ricky for a bit, and we got weird with it. We had some great sex and then we got into a great political discussion about Puerto Rico and human rights and being gay and open in the world today. I will totally never see him again, but it's a night for the books. Read More...
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December 1998

wtlv
December 27, 1998
Sunday again. I am in Las Vegas with Jim for a few days. I know it doesn't make sense. In fact, I went to Karen's house today to get her to do a reading for me just to see what he is thinking regarding this trip. She tells me that the cards show this is all about him - he is testing something out in himself. Something about our relationship. As for me, I think nothing can be done. He doesn't love me enough to love me fat - and so, for now, I am unprepared for this strange turn of events. I've dropped enough of my feelings on him in the past 5 years, if there is going to be anything here, he has to make the move. And, I already said, I am far too fat for him to make a move on. He looks great - probably 160-165, lean, tight, smooth. If he can do it at 34, I can do it at 31. So, we are in Vegas. I am writing from the hotel room at 4 am - he is still down in the casino playing blackjack. I was up $185 from a $100 bet and in 4 minutes lost it all. So here I am, down my first $100. Two days left to get it back. Read More...
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July 1997

o-neill-regional-park
July 20, 1997
Time rolls on... I am in the campground of O'Neil Park celebrating a full moon ritual. Some people are friends, others are strangers... and always that sense of being outside of something. There was a line in a movie or play I once saw where the character expresses the feeling of being kept out of some huge secret that everyone else knows. She claims to be walking around and looking for some revealing clue in the faces of the strangers she sees. That is my feeling. And yet, watching and noting the behavior of others, I know that they don't have any secret to which I am not privy. The difference seems to be an ease of communion or a common history or something. I wonder to myself if in 3 years I might feel differently. I cannot say. Part of it is that more and more I abhor the banal and just don't know how to make the small talk that seems to be the glue holding some of these relationships together. Read More...
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