May 1991

May 1, 1991
New day, new month, same old shit.
Separation is now only 30 days away - the end of my marriage. The end of all I have invested in and worked at for 3 full years. Gone in a whimper; not even the courtesy of a flash! The janitor at AVED told me I looked fat tonight. My own wife couldn't tell me, but a stranger can. I do weight 249 - I caught myself just before hitting an eighth of a ton.
An eighth of a ton!
I talked with Lisa tonight for an hour or so. There is someone who, though co-dependent, can be a real friend. Hell, I went out for the first time in 6 months because of her. And this Angie thing… She is rewarded at work for being a bitch and I am punished by being made to work until 10:30 because I am dedicated. What a crock of shit! I have therapy tomorrow and am looking forward to the chance toga some insight. Liz also didn't know until Tuesday that I had asked for a separation in formal terms so we have yet to talk about that. I miss the friendship Carolyn and I used to have. I may be entering a grieving process over the loss. I just don' know what is real anymore and what I want…

May 2, 1991
This worked once before so…
Just for today I will eat sensibly and will exercise to increase my strength.

May 20, 1991
Oh FUCK! Where do I begin, where do I end? What is going on? For one week now I have been M----- W-----, Single Person. Carolyn left me on May 12. Mother's Day. Big fight - me out of control. I really think I tried to strangle her this time - squeeze every bit of life out of her. Pay her back for the pain she has caused me. Therapy is not going well. Seems I am stuck in neutral. Yet, on the other hand, my days seem less chaotic, my time is more my own.

May 26, 1991
Not sure of the date. Haven't been paying much attention to the calendar. Saw Thelma & Louise tonight. Very good flick. Just keep on going and don't get caught, no matter what. I was so jealous watching that film, wanting to be able to drive away from the past and into the future. Taking charge and acting rather than reacting. I remember that, years ago, the only thing that kept me from leaving California was a bed and a dresser. How silly that sounds now. Louise was ready to make a go for it in Mexico with only $6,000 and I was held back by two pieces of furniture that I don't even have now. Not that things are so bad that I want to leave, I guess I just want to be ABLE to leave. Held hostage by my own fears.
blog comments powered by Disqus