More Background

January 16, 1991
It is 9:00 pm as I write, which is means that the US strike against Iraq began 5 1./2 hours ago and ended some three hours ago. My heart is heavy having witnessed the first armed conflict of this scale since Vietnam. All other things seem to pale by comparison. Carolyn and I have had many long talks, the details of which I shall outline later. Christopher seems to be out and Dan seems to be in. More on that later, as well. I recall three men in a Baghdad hotel reporting on the air raid and I am proud of them.


January 17, 1991
I don't know which news to report: the Iraqi bombing of Israel or the seemingly impending divorce of Carolyn & I. After a 3-hour conversation that began with, "Carolyn, think about what yo expect from marriage." After reading over her inventory and finding that in addition to not getting any of the ideals from me (honesty, trust, love, respect...) she doesn't even bring them to the marriage. Love I gave her, though I don't really know what it means, but she doesn't trust me, she isn't honest with me and she does not respect me for who I am. So, we brought up the word divorce several times, with her stating, "There's the door, pack your bags." Later, however, after discussing my sexuality yet again, I asked her if she could live with it, assuming that it doesn't change. She said she could not. So, I again threw the D-word out, and this time it seems to have stuck. She is now downstairs crying in a fetal position because, though she stated this evening that she "hates the person I have become and the way I treat her" (first person inserted) she still loves how I used to be. And when I even try to point out how sick it is to stay with someone you hate all because of a memory, she gets upset. There may be no way back, and, in the face of such odds, I have begun to shut the emotions off. Am I so sick that I can feel nothing in the face of the greatest personal failure I have ever caused? Am I so sick that I don't seem to feel even compassion for the pain I am causing Carolyn?

January 18, 1991
I am at the Friday night ACA meeting, now having missed more meetings than attended. I also missed more work than I went to this week. I went for a total of 9 hours this week. Not a good thing to do where people are losing their jobs right and left. Last night, wow! This morning she informed me that she had decided to stay married and give therapy a try. Conditions: she gets personal therapy, I get personal therapy, and we get joint therapy. Facing up to my honest feelings about her won't prove easy. So far, I have told her that I don't really love her as care for her and that I am more afraid of "failing marriage" than of being hurt by divorce. She was really incredibly hurt last night. I was scared to work with her today. Then I get all dressed up for the town & Dan is busy. It sucks.

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