November 1995

November 26, 1995, 3:05am
It has been a long time since writing, and much has happened. And yet, nothing has been decided. Interviews, trips to Las Vegas and Chicago, winning and losing at cards, at friendships, at love. And yet I am still that spider, still waiting. I do have some new deadlines and some new ideas. The possibilities are unfolding ahead of me, which is relatively new, but I am still immobile, still undecided as to my immediate fate. When the lease is done, when the year has finished...what then? What of me? Where will I call home? What will I own? New York or Las Vegas or points between? Shall I use my truck to haul myself across the states or will I sell it off for the cash and make my trek some other way? I have been keeping a sort of diary in writing recently. My interest in the occult, most specifically. Learning, if you will, the art of the craft of Wicca. I can't yet say that I have applied any practical use of it myself, but I anticipate its use will come in handy, especially if the year ends with no solid career offers in sight. I may have to resort to becoming a traveling gypsy, conjuring for my meals. I have been mostly looking at the history, the legends, the meanings of the greater picture. Recent reading has begun on the origin of a coven or the declaration of an individual. Rituals and tools are the focus. I have decided to read all first before beginning my work on anything particular of a tangible nature such as the knife (athame) or the temple altar. More than just the reading, things have been happening in my life to teach me a great deal about myself. Interpersonal things...just the way I have handled two recent situations come to mind. A guy I had a date with was on the phone for 20 minutes after I arrived. Once off the phone, I made a point to sit him down and tell him how and why I was upset with the situation and that I had thought about leaving but didn't because I preferred to deal with the problem rather than run from it. A second situation happened in Las Vegas where Andrew and I had many misunderstandings about money, our gambling, and our reason for being in Vegas in the first place. I found that a conversation about the misunderstandings cleared up most concerns and we both went on to enjoy the rest of the trip. I suppose I am proving to myself that confrontation of a problem is not the confrontation of an individual. The two are separate and can be dealt with separately. I was upset with the situation of gambling losses when he broke from our system and started using our Blackjack winnings to play Pai Gow Poker and could accept that and still like being with him. It was the first of many lessons I will soon be asked to prove, I suppose, and I embrace the chance to do so.
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October 1995

Empire_State_Building_(HDR)
October 20, 1995
I really suck at this thing. So much for chronicling a life in progress. More like a eulogy for a life that has died. I wanted to touch in here before bed tonight to start off the morning on the right track. I am fat. I am well on my way to being very fat and very unhappy. So before I get to that point I want to explore why I am hurting myself by letting myself get fat. Why do I allow myself to give in to the desire to go to 7-11 for ice cream every day? Why do I let myself be tempted by brownies and candy bars? Do I really hate myself that much? And if so, what can I do about it? Money is tight. No, not tight, non-existent. I quit my job a month ago and have made almost no money since. I have, however, spent over a thousand dollars on clothes and almost another three-thousand on trips to NYC . I must be fucking insane. Read More...
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August 1995

August 10, 1995, sometime after midnight
Its been a while since I have written. One thing, more than any other prompted me to write at this time. I just ran my horoscope. Most of it is relatively mundane and not at all original. One section, however, has some very heavy insight (coincidence or irony?) -
CONFLICTS:
Saturn in the Seventh House brings an air of seriousness to all your dealings with partners. Also, you are concerned more about the future of business and romantic associates now than at any other time. This is the most ephemeral of transits, and depends greatly on other aspects in the daily chart.
Saturn opposite Pluto marks a time when you may have serious doubts about the direction your life is proceeding, either in relationships or career. This is the time for you either to set aside these doubts or initiate the necessary change. Read More...
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July 1995, Part 3

wilsoncruz1995
July 15, 1995
A fantasy come true. Wait until you hear about this. Remember "My So-Called Life"? Remember how one night I phoned that coffee house called Insomnia in Burbank to track Wilson Cruz down and just say hello? So, last night I meet him at Revolver! "Meet" isn't exactly the right word. I had Wilson naked in my bed. I made him cum twice. So I guess "meet" is kind of a polite word for what I did. It was a total trip. Read More...
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July 1995, Part 2

July 9, 1995
A few days off from writing. And from reading my Miracles work. And from anything remotely social. The good news is that business seems back on track, for what that is worth. I am feeling a bit more secure that the money will keep rolling in and that I don't have to worry yet about homelessness and starvation. On the more personal front, I have a few feelings about which I wish to write. Something happened yesterday that really upset me. I was up on the roof with Scott most of the afternoon getting to know Michael and John a bit better through idle chit-chat poolside over cocktails. Then, as I had a 6:00 client in Toluca Lake, I had to leave, Scott appeared to be leaving on my heels, but said I should go and he would be fine. I later found out that he and Michael spent almost three hours chatting in Michael’s apartment. Read More...
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July 1995

July 1, 1995
astrology
The Second Half Begins
So, six months down, six to go in the year. Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.... As a benchmark, or a milestone, or one of those “You Are Here” indicators, I am making new resolutions to improve my life. There is not much I can do about the job situation at present, but there is much I can do for my body and soul - things I have neglected or forgotten during the previous six months. I commit now, then, to healthy eating plan to be as low in fat and as low in calories as possible. At the same time, I must eat enough to maintain my gym workouts (at least one a day barring any major mishaps). I am going once in the day for aerobics and once in the afternoon for free weights. I will also do a second aerobic workout if time permits. Spiritually I have been remiss in my upkeep as well. I am therefore beginning my work in “A Course in Miracles” once again with today as day one. I will work on that each morning, and will write in here my goal for the day. I will also spend today coming up with some kind of budget for the month of July. I still maintain that I can survive with one client per day at $60 per client. Now I have to keep myself on track enough to get to the paper in time to make advertising deadlines so that I don't have another three week dry spell. All would be pretty good right now if I hadn’t missed that deadline last month. Obviously that was some sort of psychological sabotage on myself from my subconscious. I know that tricking isn’t the most glamorous life, but it IS at least a life. Better than a great deal of options open to me such as sharing this tiny apartment or living in the back of my truck. So, with positive attitude and improved mental and physical states, I begin this second half of 1995 refreshed, renewed and newly committed to self improvement. Read More...
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May 1995

May 21, 1995
The Real World
So, I am sitting here watching the MTV Real World Marathon - you know, when people stop acting polite and start being real. And I am about to do the same thing. This whole week has been a situation where I have allowed myself to be repeatedly hurt by Scott and I am really sick of it. All week long, he has said “Let’s go out tonight” and then, after I turn down clients or turn down hookups with BBS guys, I get a phone call saying “I am too tired” or some similar story. And I fell for it time and again. On the one hand, I have filled the time with clients and whatnot, but when push came to shove and he Changed His Mind on Friday about going out for coffee, then decided that he didn’t want to tackle traffic and meet me on Saturday night, when he kept me waiting in a bar for an hour and a half, and then today, knowing that I wanted to LEAVE for the Long Beach Gay Pride Festival by noon - he calls today at 1:00 to say that he hasn’t had a shower, hasn’t had lunch and he doesn’t know how he feels about going to the festival. Its like I am not important enough to be on time or not important enough to keep an agreement, date, whatever. I don't care for that feeling at all. So, how to bring it up? Read More...
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February 1995, Part 2

February 28, 1995
Mardi Gras Night
Yes, I’m back.
With yet another get rich quick scheme.
No, wait, that’s not right...with another weight loss/lifestyle improvement course, yeah, THAT’s it.
I, Mathew James Anthony Watkins, do hereby solemnly swear to do an aerobics class tomorrow morning. I will also eat a balanced meal plan for the day. I will also either do an aerobics class in the evening or a workout. This is, after all, the beginning of Lent. And, being a good Catholic (sorry to the gods for that one) I am going to make the above pledge daily. I mean, here it is - Mardi Gras - and I can’t fit into my skirt!
I really do need to do something to keep me focused. I have lost my job due to my own negligence and lack of concern for it. I am in a relatively unhappy relationship with Dorian and am doing nothing to really change that. I need to get back on track so that I can be in shape for the pride season (not THAT song again!) I also have an ad to be run in mid-March for a masseur and need to be presentable for my clients, what? So, at 9:24 as I drink my vodka & coffee and prepare myself for streetwalking, I write my hopes here. Help me to keep them and to mean them - one day at a time for the next 40 days at least. After all, I might be tempted to go to that White Party in the desert after all... Read More...
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February 1995, Part 1

February 1, 1995
EVER WONDER HOW THINGS GET DONE?
I sometimes wonder how I have managed to do anything in my life. Ah, but that sounds awfully self-deprecating. Perhaps I should instead wonder why I let the little things in life get me down. I refer, of course, to whatever little thing is bothering me at the moment. I do not as yet even have a name for it. It remains “that thing”.... it has caused me to avoid work, avoid calling all but the closest of friends, avoid even eating the right foods at the right times, avoid doing those things that I “should” be doing on a day off since I have decided not to work. I have quite literally spent three days doing nothing. I have no progress to show for it, short of one load of laundry that I did at Scott’s house one night to save two bucks in change. The crazy thing is that I feel not unlike some sort of demented vampyre. I do nothing - literally nothing - all day long. At 4:30 I wake from the sleep of the undead to go to the gym, progress along with my day, groceries, laundry, renting videos, that sort of thing. I then stay awake masturbating until all hours only to sleep through the following day. I did go to the doctor to check on a cut on my thumb that I have had for quite some time - 7 weeks by my count - and that can count for half a day off, maybe one full day if the clinic was exceptionally busy. But to make three days out of it...what is wrong with me? I talk about it and say that if I was in a more structured job I wouldn't be getting away with this. I should say that I wouldn’t be trying to get away with it. After all, my major in school really was all about getting by on the minimum input of effort. And that backfired to a certain degree. It is perversely funny but I do find myself wishing in some corner of my mind that my HIV results had come back differently. Somehow, wishing that I could derive the courage from a positive result to go out and DO something that I want to do. Is that what this is about? Feeling guilty because I am not dying? Feeling guilty because I live, paycheck to paycheck, with so little inconvenience in my life that I have to cause some drama to make up for that which nature deprives me? Richard calls and complains, but the reality is that he has given each employee 5 sick days. No one else is “on call” during their sick time. I am not doing anything technically wrong. Will that technicality hold? Why do I insist on testing it? I saw Dorian tonight. It was either a judgment on his part or else a projection of my own judgment onto him, but I swear I felt disappointment from him at my rather cavalier attitude toward work. In my mind’s games, I saw him rescinding any potential offer of the two of us going back to Michigan to open that little antique mall together living blissfully at home on the range. Would I be happier if I did chuck it all and head to Paris for an indefinite period of time? Would that be running to something or just running? Read More...
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January 1995, Part 3

January 15, 1995
FACING THE BITTER TRUTH
What a day. How many days of new beginnings can one have? I suppose that philosophically speaking one can have 365 a year. I sit before you, a tremendous hypocrite: as I down Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Chocolate Brownies and vow to stick to Quick Trim. I really need a boost of self confidence. I need to get that feeling back that led me to feel good about myself. I need to do the work to make it happen. I am perched upon a major change in my life. I have the Course in Miracles book yet to start, a diet to begin, an exercise regimen to resume, and a man to woo. Do I have my work cut out for me or what? And why, pray tell, have I waited so long? Why do I have to wait for a Monday, or a First of the Month, or a New Year to do things to make myself feel good? Do I not deserve the good feelings that go along with the feeling of success? Do I not deserve the spoils of victory over losing weight, or the muscles derived from working out? Read More...
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January 1995, Part 2

jangel3
January 10, 1995
FUCKUPS AND OTHER MYSTERIES
So, I have a man in my life, a clean bill of health and good friends. Who could want anything more? A pervert. A psychotic. Me. Here I am with a lot of good things going for me and I keep giving in to the sexual compulsivity. I skip the gym (though I want a great body so I can get me a man) in order to sleep because I was up till 4 am having sex with someone whose name eludes me. Not even that GREAT looking of a guy, but a willing bottom. And so I give in. I ignore what I say I want to do and do that which I say I do not wish to do. Is there logic or sense at all in the world? Maybe I just miss it but everyone else sees it? So, last night a little Asian boy who wanted to get fucked, tonight was another Asian boy who wanted to be my slave. THAT seems to be the problem, actually, all those bottoms out there enabling me to fall into my addiction. I blame them. They should be punished for tempting me away from my plan. Oh, there I go again. Read More...
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January 1995

I recently discovered the missing year of 1995 in an old Word document. It seems I tried to do my journal electronically for a bit before returning to the old book format. Here, then, are my memories of 1995.

cc12-wilson-cruz-head-shot
January 1, 1995
Is Dear Diary too corny a beginning? It is 10:39 pm on the first day of a new year. I have a lot to think about. Love, sex, money.... career, goals, desires.... what is it all about? Too lofty a subject, I think. Let’s start with something more “graspable” to the average reader. I had the best birthday in a number of years last night. Went out to Revolver with Scott S——, got reasonably tipsy and met an actual celebrity, Wilson Cruiz from "My So-Called Life." He was at the bar with Jared Leto. And yes, I took Wilson home. Crazy, right? It was totally corny - I asked him to pretend to be Ricky for a bit, and we got weird with it. We had some great sex and then we got into a great political discussion about Puerto Rico and human rights and being gay and open in the world today. I will totally never see him again, but it's a night for the books. Read More...
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