November 1995

November 26, 1995, 3:05am
It has been a long time since writing, and much has happened. And yet, nothing has been decided. Interviews, trips to Las Vegas and Chicago, winning and losing at cards, at friendships, at love. And yet I am still that spider, still waiting. I do have some new deadlines and some new ideas. The possibilities are unfolding ahead of me, which is relatively new, but I am still immobile, still undecided as to my immediate fate. When the lease is done, when the year has finished...what then? What of me? Where will I call home? What will I own? New York or Las Vegas or points between? Shall I use my truck to haul myself across the states or will I sell it off for the cash and make my trek some other way? I have been keeping a sort of diary in writing recently. My interest in the occult, most specifically. Learning, if you will, the art of the craft of Wicca. I can't yet say that I have applied any practical use of it myself, but I anticipate its use will come in handy, especially if the year ends with no solid career offers in sight. I may have to resort to becoming a traveling gypsy, conjuring for my meals. I have been mostly looking at the history, the legends, the meanings of the greater picture. Recent reading has begun on the origin of a coven or the declaration of an individual. Rituals and tools are the focus. I have decided to read all first before beginning my work on anything particular of a tangible nature such as the knife (athame) or the temple altar. More than just the reading, things have been happening in my life to teach me a great deal about myself. Interpersonal things...just the way I have handled two recent situations come to mind. A guy I had a date with was on the phone for 20 minutes after I arrived. Once off the phone, I made a point to sit him down and tell him how and why I was upset with the situation and that I had thought about leaving but didn't because I preferred to deal with the problem rather than run from it. A second situation happened in Las Vegas where Andrew and I had many misunderstandings about money, our gambling, and our reason for being in Vegas in the first place. I found that a conversation about the misunderstandings cleared up most concerns and we both went on to enjoy the rest of the trip. I suppose I am proving to myself that confrontation of a problem is not the confrontation of an individual. The two are separate and can be dealt with separately. I was upset with the situation of gambling losses when he broke from our system and started using our Blackjack winnings to play Pai Gow Poker and could accept that and still like being with him. It was the first of many lessons I will soon be asked to prove, I suppose, and I embrace the chance to do so.
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October 1995

Empire_State_Building_(HDR)
October 20, 1995
I really suck at this thing. So much for chronicling a life in progress. More like a eulogy for a life that has died. I wanted to touch in here before bed tonight to start off the morning on the right track. I am fat. I am well on my way to being very fat and very unhappy. So before I get to that point I want to explore why I am hurting myself by letting myself get fat. Why do I allow myself to give in to the desire to go to 7-11 for ice cream every day? Why do I let myself be tempted by brownies and candy bars? Do I really hate myself that much? And if so, what can I do about it? Money is tight. No, not tight, non-existent. I quit my job a month ago and have made almost no money since. I have, however, spent over a thousand dollars on clothes and almost another three-thousand on trips to NYC . I must be fucking insane. Read More...
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August 1995

August 10, 1995, sometime after midnight
Its been a while since I have written. One thing, more than any other prompted me to write at this time. I just ran my horoscope. Most of it is relatively mundane and not at all original. One section, however, has some very heavy insight (coincidence or irony?) -
CONFLICTS:
Saturn in the Seventh House brings an air of seriousness to all your dealings with partners. Also, you are concerned more about the future of business and romantic associates now than at any other time. This is the most ephemeral of transits, and depends greatly on other aspects in the daily chart.
Saturn opposite Pluto marks a time when you may have serious doubts about the direction your life is proceeding, either in relationships or career. This is the time for you either to set aside these doubts or initiate the necessary change. Read More...
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July 1995, Part 3

wilsoncruz1995
July 15, 1995
A fantasy come true. Wait until you hear about this. Remember "My So-Called Life"? Remember how one night I phoned that coffee house called Insomnia in Burbank to track Wilson Cruz down and just say hello? So, last night I meet him at Revolver! "Meet" isn't exactly the right word. I had Wilson naked in my bed. I made him cum twice. So I guess "meet" is kind of a polite word for what I did. It was a total trip. Read More...
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July 1995, Part 2

July 9, 1995
A few days off from writing. And from reading my Miracles work. And from anything remotely social. The good news is that business seems back on track, for what that is worth. I am feeling a bit more secure that the money will keep rolling in and that I don't have to worry yet about homelessness and starvation. On the more personal front, I have a few feelings about which I wish to write. Something happened yesterday that really upset me. I was up on the roof with Scott most of the afternoon getting to know Michael and John a bit better through idle chit-chat poolside over cocktails. Then, as I had a 6:00 client in Toluca Lake, I had to leave, Scott appeared to be leaving on my heels, but said I should go and he would be fine. I later found out that he and Michael spent almost three hours chatting in Michael’s apartment. Read More...
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July 1995

July 1, 1995
astrology
The Second Half Begins
So, six months down, six to go in the year. Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.... As a benchmark, or a milestone, or one of those “You Are Here” indicators, I am making new resolutions to improve my life. There is not much I can do about the job situation at present, but there is much I can do for my body and soul - things I have neglected or forgotten during the previous six months. I commit now, then, to healthy eating plan to be as low in fat and as low in calories as possible. At the same time, I must eat enough to maintain my gym workouts (at least one a day barring any major mishaps). I am going once in the day for aerobics and once in the afternoon for free weights. I will also do a second aerobic workout if time permits. Spiritually I have been remiss in my upkeep as well. I am therefore beginning my work in “A Course in Miracles” once again with today as day one. I will work on that each morning, and will write in here my goal for the day. I will also spend today coming up with some kind of budget for the month of July. I still maintain that I can survive with one client per day at $60 per client. Now I have to keep myself on track enough to get to the paper in time to make advertising deadlines so that I don't have another three week dry spell. All would be pretty good right now if I hadn’t missed that deadline last month. Obviously that was some sort of psychological sabotage on myself from my subconscious. I know that tricking isn’t the most glamorous life, but it IS at least a life. Better than a great deal of options open to me such as sharing this tiny apartment or living in the back of my truck. So, with positive attitude and improved mental and physical states, I begin this second half of 1995 refreshed, renewed and newly committed to self improvement. Read More...
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May 1995

May 21, 1995
The Real World
So, I am sitting here watching the MTV Real World Marathon - you know, when people stop acting polite and start being real. And I am about to do the same thing. This whole week has been a situation where I have allowed myself to be repeatedly hurt by Scott and I am really sick of it. All week long, he has said “Let’s go out tonight” and then, after I turn down clients or turn down hookups with BBS guys, I get a phone call saying “I am too tired” or some similar story. And I fell for it time and again. On the one hand, I have filled the time with clients and whatnot, but when push came to shove and he Changed His Mind on Friday about going out for coffee, then decided that he didn’t want to tackle traffic and meet me on Saturday night, when he kept me waiting in a bar for an hour and a half, and then today, knowing that I wanted to LEAVE for the Long Beach Gay Pride Festival by noon - he calls today at 1:00 to say that he hasn’t had a shower, hasn’t had lunch and he doesn’t know how he feels about going to the festival. Its like I am not important enough to be on time or not important enough to keep an agreement, date, whatever. I don't care for that feeling at all. So, how to bring it up? Read More...
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February 1995, Part 2

February 28, 1995
Mardi Gras Night
Yes, I’m back.
With yet another get rich quick scheme.
No, wait, that’s not right...with another weight loss/lifestyle improvement course, yeah, THAT’s it.
I, Mathew James Anthony Watkins, do hereby solemnly swear to do an aerobics class tomorrow morning. I will also eat a balanced meal plan for the day. I will also either do an aerobics class in the evening or a workout. This is, after all, the beginning of Lent. And, being a good Catholic (sorry to the gods for that one) I am going to make the above pledge daily. I mean, here it is - Mardi Gras - and I can’t fit into my skirt!
I really do need to do something to keep me focused. I have lost my job due to my own negligence and lack of concern for it. I am in a relatively unhappy relationship with Dorian and am doing nothing to really change that. I need to get back on track so that I can be in shape for the pride season (not THAT song again!) I also have an ad to be run in mid-March for a masseur and need to be presentable for my clients, what? So, at 9:24 as I drink my vodka & coffee and prepare myself for streetwalking, I write my hopes here. Help me to keep them and to mean them - one day at a time for the next 40 days at least. After all, I might be tempted to go to that White Party in the desert after all... Read More...
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February 1995, Part 1

February 1, 1995
EVER WONDER HOW THINGS GET DONE?
I sometimes wonder how I have managed to do anything in my life. Ah, but that sounds awfully self-deprecating. Perhaps I should instead wonder why I let the little things in life get me down. I refer, of course, to whatever little thing is bothering me at the moment. I do not as yet even have a name for it. It remains “that thing”.... it has caused me to avoid work, avoid calling all but the closest of friends, avoid even eating the right foods at the right times, avoid doing those things that I “should” be doing on a day off since I have decided not to work. I have quite literally spent three days doing nothing. I have no progress to show for it, short of one load of laundry that I did at Scott’s house one night to save two bucks in change. The crazy thing is that I feel not unlike some sort of demented vampyre. I do nothing - literally nothing - all day long. At 4:30 I wake from the sleep of the undead to go to the gym, progress along with my day, groceries, laundry, renting videos, that sort of thing. I then stay awake masturbating until all hours only to sleep through the following day. I did go to the doctor to check on a cut on my thumb that I have had for quite some time - 7 weeks by my count - and that can count for half a day off, maybe one full day if the clinic was exceptionally busy. But to make three days out of it...what is wrong with me? I talk about it and say that if I was in a more structured job I wouldn't be getting away with this. I should say that I wouldn’t be trying to get away with it. After all, my major in school really was all about getting by on the minimum input of effort. And that backfired to a certain degree. It is perversely funny but I do find myself wishing in some corner of my mind that my HIV results had come back differently. Somehow, wishing that I could derive the courage from a positive result to go out and DO something that I want to do. Is that what this is about? Feeling guilty because I am not dying? Feeling guilty because I live, paycheck to paycheck, with so little inconvenience in my life that I have to cause some drama to make up for that which nature deprives me? Richard calls and complains, but the reality is that he has given each employee 5 sick days. No one else is “on call” during their sick time. I am not doing anything technically wrong. Will that technicality hold? Why do I insist on testing it? I saw Dorian tonight. It was either a judgment on his part or else a projection of my own judgment onto him, but I swear I felt disappointment from him at my rather cavalier attitude toward work. In my mind’s games, I saw him rescinding any potential offer of the two of us going back to Michigan to open that little antique mall together living blissfully at home on the range. Would I be happier if I did chuck it all and head to Paris for an indefinite period of time? Would that be running to something or just running? Read More...
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January 1995, Part 3

January 15, 1995
FACING THE BITTER TRUTH
What a day. How many days of new beginnings can one have? I suppose that philosophically speaking one can have 365 a year. I sit before you, a tremendous hypocrite: as I down Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Chocolate Brownies and vow to stick to Quick Trim. I really need a boost of self confidence. I need to get that feeling back that led me to feel good about myself. I need to do the work to make it happen. I am perched upon a major change in my life. I have the Course in Miracles book yet to start, a diet to begin, an exercise regimen to resume, and a man to woo. Do I have my work cut out for me or what? And why, pray tell, have I waited so long? Why do I have to wait for a Monday, or a First of the Month, or a New Year to do things to make myself feel good? Do I not deserve the good feelings that go along with the feeling of success? Do I not deserve the spoils of victory over losing weight, or the muscles derived from working out? Read More...
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January 1995, Part 2

jangel3
January 10, 1995
FUCKUPS AND OTHER MYSTERIES
So, I have a man in my life, a clean bill of health and good friends. Who could want anything more? A pervert. A psychotic. Me. Here I am with a lot of good things going for me and I keep giving in to the sexual compulsivity. I skip the gym (though I want a great body so I can get me a man) in order to sleep because I was up till 4 am having sex with someone whose name eludes me. Not even that GREAT looking of a guy, but a willing bottom. And so I give in. I ignore what I say I want to do and do that which I say I do not wish to do. Is there logic or sense at all in the world? Maybe I just miss it but everyone else sees it? So, last night a little Asian boy who wanted to get fucked, tonight was another Asian boy who wanted to be my slave. THAT seems to be the problem, actually, all those bottoms out there enabling me to fall into my addiction. I blame them. They should be punished for tempting me away from my plan. Oh, there I go again. Read More...
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January 1995

I recently discovered the missing year of 1995 in an old Word document. It seems I tried to do my journal electronically for a bit before returning to the old book format. Here, then, are my memories of 1995.

cc12-wilson-cruz-head-shot
January 1, 1995
Is Dear Diary too corny a beginning? It is 10:39 pm on the first day of a new year. I have a lot to think about. Love, sex, money.... career, goals, desires.... what is it all about? Too lofty a subject, I think. Let’s start with something more “graspable” to the average reader. I had the best birthday in a number of years last night. Went out to Revolver with Scott S——, got reasonably tipsy and met an actual celebrity, Wilson Cruiz from "My So-Called Life." He was at the bar with Jared Leto. And yes, I took Wilson home. Crazy, right? It was totally corny - I asked him to pretend to be Ricky for a bit, and we got weird with it. We had some great sex and then we got into a great political discussion about Puerto Rico and human rights and being gay and open in the world today. I will totally never see him again, but it's a night for the books. Read More...
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December 1998

wtlv
December 27, 1998
Sunday again. I am in Las Vegas with Jim for a few days. I know it doesn't make sense. In fact, I went to Karen's house today to get her to do a reading for me just to see what he is thinking regarding this trip. She tells me that the cards show this is all about him - he is testing something out in himself. Something about our relationship. As for me, I think nothing can be done. He doesn't love me enough to love me fat - and so, for now, I am unprepared for this strange turn of events. I've dropped enough of my feelings on him in the past 5 years, if there is going to be anything here, he has to make the move. And, I already said, I am far too fat for him to make a move on. He looks great - probably 160-165, lean, tight, smooth. If he can do it at 34, I can do it at 31. So, we are in Vegas. I am writing from the hotel room at 4 am - he is still down in the casino playing blackjack. I was up $185 from a $100 bet and in 4 minutes lost it all. So here I am, down my first $100. Two days left to get it back. Read More...
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July 1997

o-neill-regional-park
July 20, 1997
Time rolls on... I am in the campground of O'Neil Park celebrating a full moon ritual. Some people are friends, others are strangers... and always that sense of being outside of something. There was a line in a movie or play I once saw where the character expresses the feeling of being kept out of some huge secret that everyone else knows. She claims to be walking around and looking for some revealing clue in the faces of the strangers she sees. That is my feeling. And yet, watching and noting the behavior of others, I know that they don't have any secret to which I am not privy. The difference seems to be an ease of communion or a common history or something. I wonder to myself if in 3 years I might feel differently. I cannot say. Part of it is that more and more I abhor the banal and just don't know how to make the small talk that seems to be the glue holding some of these relationships together. Read More...
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November 1996

November 2, 1996
Well, it is done. The Wiccan Year is anew and I have had some wild experiences already. Our Samhain ritual on Halloween was attended by over 35 people. Glad they chose the shop and not my house for it. It was great - the energy was amazing when compared to our class ritual. Men and Woman, Gay and Straight, Young and Old, mixing to celebrate the death/birth of a year. We sent petitions to the God and Goddess to remove hindrances and to ask for blessings. Burning the petitions was a great release. It went along with my own circle work to release my parents and send them love. Read More...
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October 1996

October 18, 1996
(a sunny fall day in the park)
89123074
Again, clearly much has happened. I see patterns everywhere and am actually taking some big steps to stop their repeating. First, I have a handle on my diet again - 20 pounds lost in 6 weeks putting me just over 200 pounds, but losing. Jim is in my life though I don't know how that is working - is being comfortable the same as being happy? The same as being loved and respected? Need to work on that some more. I am also in a Witchcraft class again. Again, not sure if it is the right one for me but I am at least continuing with something; I enjoy the study even if not the students. I have made some changes in my friendships with Anna and Teresa: I told Teresa that she isn't someone I like very much since the wedding and began to tell Anna how I felt let down by her lack of interest in being my close friend. She feels better if she doesn't have to be anyone's foundation - and I can accept that; it means I no longer put up with her need to control everything. I am finally talking about my fear of confrontation. I explained to Anna that by standing her up on plans isn't really just me being a flake, it is me fearing any sort of conflict over my want to change plans. I admitted that I don't trust our friendship enough to risk such an episode. Better I should disappear for a day or two and let it slide than to admit I find something else more interesting than any plans with her. I think by talking about it I may be getting stronger and more secure in my own self and needs to assert my will. One sick pattern on its way down. Work is at least pleasant. I find myself thinking about the easy money of tricking again often. One of my goals for losing weight is to be able to expect to get paid for my body again. I miss the freedom of sleeping in, weekends away, late nights partying. Actually, I want to be young again. Read More...
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April 1994

April 2, 1994
A word about Tony. He is a 37-year-old CPA. Meets me last November for kinky BDSM sex with another guy chez-moi and three months later we go on a date. Bodybuilder, nice guy. But something is strange. He is a wanna-be rich guy and it seems to piss him off that he isn't REALLY rich. I've seen anger at the strangest things. Then, there is also the fact that we haven't fucked on a date even once, though I spend the night once a week. I thought he was getting more personal - he invited me to a gala AIDS benefit post-Oscar party hosted by Elton John, and then to a Passover Seder later that same week. But no such luck - back pain or fatty gas or something gets in the way. He did take me to see Sunset Blvd with Glenn Close - great fucking show! But the money doesn't really impress me unless it gets me things I need; entertainment can be had cheaply; car repairs, clothing, and rent - these things can not. Read More...
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March 1994

March 27, 1994
Day one (again) for my health regime. I refuse to believe that my ideal weight is 185. Let's shoot for 165, shall we? Fat-free & workouts are my goals. Let the rest take care of itself. Two men in my life, yet neither of them makes me as happy as a fun day with Thom. Roommates in our house for one month now. Been topsy-turvey. Working in LA now and am the golden boy. Still must work on building friendships and building a support network. I will call the gay center and explain my feelings of a stranger in paradise. Ha. Movies with Alex tonight. It's very nice to have an ex- as a friend. Note: he and I broke up after my Las Vegas trip indiscretion ("Thank you for coming out of my dreams and into my life.") Want to get back into computers and photography. I need a hobby to be more interesting I think. Therefore I am. Read More...
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February 1994

February 14, 1994
Made a commitment to myself today: To count and consider my blessings. I have been abusing my body for two weeks, since the breakup with Alex, and it is time to stop. I am my own Valentine. Exercise and nutrition are key in my life. Sex is no longer the focus. As of today, I worship in the temple that is me. Corny? Perhaps, but it seems to work. My goal is to begin Quick Trim again on Wednesday for two weeks, then maintain a good exercise & eating plan. Then, the last two weeks before Easter, Quick Trim again. Tanning & exercise daily. Giving up masturbation and alcohol. Beginning rap group and other support. Building friends and deciding where my life is going. And what to do with Thom? Move with him or move him out? The healthier choice I hope. Mental and physical health are my new goals. They are done!
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July 1993

ripples
July 12, 1993
I have decided that Steven is important enough to begin writing about. So, in brief, here is a recap of the last week.
July 3 - met Steven Allen M----- at Ripples. Took him home. Oral sex, no intercourse. Lots of conversation and giddy "mushy" talk. Beach sunrise.
July 4 - Went to a party with Thom at Steven's new house. He walked me home and spent the night. More of the same as above.
July 6 - 10:30 pm phone call. Steven invites me over to his house. No sex at all. MUCH personal talk - pasts, family, etc.
July 10 - First Date. Picnic in my living room. Steven brings Chinese. Flowers for him. His face broken out from my beard while kissing him. Spent the night but no more kissing and, consequently, no intercourse. Discussion of my fear of sexual penetration. Talk of future plans. Watched Steel Magnolias. Read More...
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November 1993

9809281
November 22, 1993
Time heals everything - so give me more time. Fucked up at work again. Hid from Clay all weekend and now he wants to know where I was when he needed me. I don't want the responsibility but I somehow want the perks. We have a meeting scheduled for after work on Tuesday to discuss "my future with the company." I have a date tonight with a guy who is seeing someone else in a "committed relationship." What am I doing?! Watched Oprah today - a show about her 35 year battle with fat. She was reading journal entries, that is what made me dig this up again. There are almost three years of history in this tome. Anyway, more on fat later. Read More...
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March 1993

March 2, 1993
Hey, kids, what time is it? It's psycho killer mystery theater time; the time when I tell a story so when I become a gun-wielding maniac they can read this and understand. Tonight's episode: Jason. You remember, from 6 February. So the whole time I am in Hawaii he is thinking how I treat him so well and how he can see a future with me and how he missed me greatly. He even got upset that I didn't call him the minute I got home. So we made a date for tonight. Nothing. No sparks, no passion, no romance, not even much conversation. He couldn't tell me in person what he said on the phone. Makes one wonder, does it not? Here is this guy I find very interesting and extremely attractive laying with his legs across my lap, all the while me stroking his chest and legs and he does not make the slightest move toward me. And talking about it only makes it worse. I even went so far as to tell him that he should call me when he can talk and I will see him again then. At least he is honest enough to tell me that I hurt his feelings with that comment. More later. Read More...
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February 1993, Continued...

hulaboy
February 27, 1993
Oh! Becky! Hold on to this one!
I am now in Hawaii; Oahu, to be exact, and the following tale is totally un-fucking-believable!
I came out here with a client of mine, Steven, for a long weekend and ended up staying 10 days. Not only that, I met a couple who want me to move to San Francisco with them and a guy who wants me to live here with him.
Crazy world, isn't it?
Monroe is quite cute and very nice. Then Rudy and Robert are absolutely wonderful. Why doesn't shit like this happen to me back home?
I had this great hotel all to myself since the day we arrived, Steven broke his leg. He has been in the hospital ever since. I fucked like a bunny all week long.
Got a great tan and probably gained 10 pounds on Kalhua pig and pineapple.
But now, my life is in flux. Do I move to Oahu with Rudy and Robert until they move to San Francisco or do I move here with Munroe until he eventually returns to SF? Or do I go home with the knowledge that I am an attractive guy and not come back to paradise at all?
God, like can be so complex! Read More...
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February 1993

fullsizeoutput_b0bf
February 6, 1993
In one short time, so many things can change,
A heart may lave its grieving lessoned be;
And thus my spirit was quickly rearranged
When with thy welcome voice spoke out to me
A stranger then, yes so no more
New hopes of love set I in store.
As Jason did the Golden Fleece pursue
O'er land and sea did cross in hopes to find,
My heart I know hath searched for one as you
Which you with youth some spirit did remind.
And all that rests upon our chanced meet
To me is candy bitter, and yet sweet.
I know you not, yet know thy sort full well.
For you, my soul hath searched; if not by name.
Then surely by purest want to tell
That if thou know true love, I can the same
Our hearts well met afore each face we see
And at such time comes true Delivery.
A phone call from my Frontiers ad proved him to be a "different" sort of person… made me smile Read More...
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January 1993

livewire
January 12, 1993
Ack-centuate the Positive!
My motto for today. Two years I have had this book, and it finally has a purpose. I am grateful for that. In defining its purpose I am discovering my own. So many people tell me how wonderful I am. I intend to prove it. I took steps today - calling Rich after 2 months, calling Charles to say hello, calling John to apologize, calling Pete for lunch, and forgave myself for all my carelessness in handling these relationships in the past. See, "Everyday, in every way, I am getting better and better." I finished reading a book on focusing on the positive and now will go back and USE it! School started for me today - yet another way I am improving myself. Short but to the point today. I am thankful for the chance to do it right, right now! Read More...
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November 1992

November 24, 1992
The longest journey begins with the tiniest step forward. And for a change, I am not prompted to write due to a new man in my life. No, this time I am looking for a new me in my life. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it really frightened me that I couldn't find much to be thankful for. It isn't a good feeling to wake up each day and have nothing to look forward to. No goals. No dreams. No love. No life. I need a change. I watched Shirley MacLaine's movie "Out on a Limb" and realized that a long time ago I began a journey that I aborted and never looked for a final answer. Now it is my time to find my answer. Exercise and diet are my first tools, study and research will be next tools in my quest. I begin now. Only good food for my body. In the morning I am gonna skate down to the beach. I think it would be healthy for me to get a start before the sun sets. Read More...
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August 1992

fullsizeoutput_b086
August 16, 1992
Alarm! An actual entry in here. I must catch up on the latest. His name is Jeffrey Scott H---. My match made in Heaven. We met over a month ago at Disneyland. He works there, but it was his day off and he helped Teresa talk me into buying a set of mouse ears. He said I looked cute in them and I was hooked. Our first date was August 1st - we went to Ozz for dinner then to see Death Becomes Her. Anyway, we took it slow, only kissing at first. On our 6th date, we explored each other below the belt. Finally last week, we made love. It was incredible. I had an orgasm inside him last night and it nearly made me go unconscious. Read More...
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January 1992

89123073
January 13, 1992
Over a year since I began - look how far I have gone!
I wish to capture a few thoughts here and make a commitment to check in here at least weekly. So much history can be captured herein. I weigh 166 today. A long way from 260, yes? Short hair instead of the hippie long I sported 12 months ago. Seeing a nice boy (Jesse) rather than being married to Carolyn - how much more opposite can I get?
Though only a waiter again, life looks pretty good. More on Jesse and such events in another entry. I just felt like making some comparisons and stressing my enjoyment of my life RIGHT NOW! Read More...
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December 1991

sex-and-the-single-girl
December 18, 1991
Man Plan, Revision One
My man is Caucasian, 20-30 years old, between 5'6" and 6' tall (preferably closer to 5'9"), 130-165 pounds (taller and heavier is ok - but not over 200!). On a scale of 1 o 10, he is an 8+. Sexually he prefers to be a somewhat aggressive bottom - given to some kink and open to new games and fun. He enjoys children and entertains the notion of adoption at some point (even if it is only a fantasy for now). He may have been married, hopefully not, but he should have had a relationship with a woman to allow him to better understand my failed marriage. He is eclectically spiritual, loving and affectionate, and extremely well educated - either by formal or informal means. He is an artist of sorts, enjoys music and theater. Maybe he is a teacher or public service person. He is politically somewhat liberal and aware of issues relating to our lifestyle. He dresses well and takes care to look his best at a formal function or softball game. He doesn't smoke, do any drugs, drinks socially and occasionally indulges in a party. He enjoys sex, pleasing me comes first to him. He enjoys touching and cuddling and that can be enough to satisfy him. He is very complimentary, often telling me how wonderful I am inside and out. He is reliable and honest; I do not worry or doubt him. Most importantly - he wants to be with me and frequently asks me out. Read More...
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August 1991

August 1, 1991
Time again to play catch up on the life and times of me. Am I falling in love? Or, am I just really enjoying his company? By "him" I refer, of course, to James. I spent the night with him the other day (2 days ago, July 30) and we entered the world of oral sex. We have each said "I love you: and, while I know on some level that is true, I am not entirely sure of what it means to love him. We have SO much fun, talking about lifestyles, discussing religion, postulating on politics. The intellectual stimulation is amazing. One other thing worthy of note: both James and I have changed our questionnaires on Heaven West to reflect the fact that we are "a couple." I plan to tell this to Liz tonight and have some trepidations as to what she will say. I hope she will be happy - yet I feel she will want me to be cautious. In preparation, I have prepared the following:
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July 1991

July 26, 1991
Rather appropriate that I should begin to write again on the two month anniversary of my last entry. This one is called, "I Had a Dream."
In the dream, I was driving along a rather deserted highway across a sparse landscape. I am crying and wearing sunglasses. I get pulled over by a cop who asks for my ID. He then asks me to take off my sunglasses and when I do, I realize that my eyes are closed and have been the whole time. In fact, I can not open them. I think this was some sort of warning that I ought to be more careful in my search for witchcraft. I was given a Statement by a witch recently and have not yet read it. I am still reading Drawing Down the Moon. More later. Read More...
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May 1991

9106205a
May 1, 1991
New day, new month, same old shit.
Separation is now only 30 days away - the end of my marriage. The end of all I have invested in and worked at for 3 full years. Gone in a whimper; not even the courtesy of a flash! The janitor at AVED told me I looked fat tonight. My own wife couldn't tell me, but a stranger can. I do weight 249 - I caught myself just before hitting an eighth of a ton.
An eighth of a ton!
I talked with Lisa tonight for an hour or so. There is someone who, though co-dependent, can be a real friend. Hell, I went out for the first time in 6 months because of her. And this Angie thing… She is rewarded at work for being a bitch and I am punished by being made to work until 10:30 because I am dedicated. What a crock of shit! I have therapy tomorrow and am looking forward to the chance toga some insight. Liz also didn't know until Tuesday that I had asked for a separation in formal terms so we have yet to talk about that. I miss the friendship Carolyn and I used to have. I may be entering a grieving process over the loss. I just don' know what is real anymore and what I want… Read More...
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April 1991

herman
April 7, 1991
Well, I just did what must be the last act of a desperate man. I bought a friend. To be entirely correct, I bought a rat, Herman, to be my friend. I figure I rent a friend once a week in therapy, why no buy one for the home? I am using the old snake cage for his home; I hope he will be happy, though in this house, I doubt it is possible. Carolyn has the people at work, she has the dog, she has her folks, and I have nothing. Even Andrew is no longer a companion. I wonder if Herman can smell all the mice fed to the snake over the years…? I am going to ACA again tonight. Take 3. I talked with Liz about my not having friends and she thinks that ACA is a great place to start. The problem is that when I begin to make friends, I close them off to keep them from getting closer. I also started reading Bradshaw's book Homecoming again. This time I will do the meditations and exercises. Along with ACA and Liz, I hope to speed up my recovery. That way I will know sooner if I want to stay married or not. And then I can do something about it instead of living in this zombie state of apathy and indifference. Read More...
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March 1991

March 10, 1991
Pasted Graphic
My weekly encryptions seem to be waning in their happenings. C'est la guerre! Last week was a terribly depressing one. My therapy last Thursday was shared with Carolyn, and wasted, I fear. Neither she nor I have opened the conversation that should have evaluated the session for its good and bad points. In fact, we have scarcely spoken since. Liz did ask me about the origin of my depression and as near as I can tell, it is now a frenzied numbness as a result of too much internalized hatred. She opened the subject of anti-depressant drug therapy, something worth thinking about. I am reminded of the Patty Duke movie Call Me Anna. I was going to ask if she meant Lithium, but didn't want to appear too eager for a drug fix. She told me to call if I begin to feel suicidal. I don't know if it counts but I have been fantasizing that I die in surgery on Friday. I am having my wisdom teeth pulled and have heard such wonderful stories of how quick and total an anesthetic it is. I keep thinking that if I should die during the surgery, I will not feel any more pain. I fear that I do not want to be married anymore. I long for romance & excitement & passion, but I think Carolyn knows me all too well for any mysterious liaison such as I am seeking. Perhaps I should really seek my true self and in that discovery I will come to realize what the real "I" wants from life. I am, however, a rather impatient chap and not familiar with the waiting game. Read More...
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February 1991

February 4, 1991
bondage
Dream - mother & father, roles reversed. They are poor, father working class luck, I am well-established. There is a chipped cola glass, father reading "Buds & Insects" about giant insects that eat people.

February 7, 1991
Again, a long time passes without writing. I am going to my third meeting with Liz Slocum, my therapist. I talked with Brent Isaacs last night from work. I am feeling very bad lately, mostly due to my work. In over a year no-one has had the decency to review my performance or offer me a raise. Brenda thinks I am worth whatever I ask, and that there is no reason at all that my so-called "demands" wouldn't be met. Even Wayne Vannoy has told me several times this week that I am doing a great job. I may bring this up this evening at my therapy - maybe not. I don't seem to have much strength to even ask for what I want anymore. Or ever… Read More...
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WTF

9106201a
January 30, 1991
Sunrise, sunset… swiftly flow the days. So much has happened. World events aside (though I have been saving the front page of the paper for posterity), domestic trials appear to be over. I have seen a therapist who Carolyn and I both feel might help. She and I have reconciled most of our differences and are trying a new approach to a relationship - honesty. We have cleansed a lot of old issues and decided against taboos in our marriage. We have even been making new friends: a married couple with whom we work. We have also been integrated into the work clique as we have been to happy hour and a Super Bowl party with the group. Andrew is phasing out, Christopher is a fringe and I have found sincere friendship in Carolyn. School is in full swing and is keeping me very busy. Yesterday was my first anniversary at AVED - a feat of which I was considerably proud seeing as I have only remained steadily employed for this duration once before in my life: Claim Jumper. No one at AVED even remarked on it, nor has anyone made any offer of a performance or wage review. I have been terrified of broaching the subject - and generally feeling unappreciated. The hour is late, more tomorrow. Read More...
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More Background

January 16, 1991
desertstorm
It is 9:00 pm as I write, which is means that the US strike against Iraq began 5 1./2 hours ago and ended some three hours ago. My heart is heavy having witnessed the first armed conflict of this scale since Vietnam. All other things seem to pale by comparison. Carolyn and I have had many long talks, the details of which I shall outline later. Christopher seems to be out and Dan seems to be in. More on that later, as well. I recall three men in a Baghdad hotel reporting on the air raid and I am proud of them.
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Pushing Back

January 10, 1991
Kinsey
Well, I went to my second of 14 straight ACA meetings last night. This time I really think that it will help me. For starters, I verbalized for the first time what a mistake my marriage was at the time. I married the first person who said, "I love you." More and more I am comparing her to my mother and father as far as how I feel she treats me. I told Carolyn that I had questioned my sexuality and she still loved me. So I felt safe and grabbed onto her "forever." I told her that I no longer questions my sexuality, which is true, but I never told her what I had decided. The truth seems to be that I am a 4 on a Kinsey 6 scale. I just got off the phone with Christopher who has not called all week long so I had to find out if I had done something wrong. I guess that must be similar to how I make Carolyn feel when I ignore her and don't compliment her. But, that is how sex makes me feel when she refuses to compliment me… even when I ask her to. I am caught up in writing letters to guys who have advertised in a gay men's mag. I have written 6 or so and have envelopes addressed to 4 more. I wish I knew who I really was and what I really want. I finished Homecoming and now plan to re-read it and do all the exercises and meditations. I pray I succeed. Read More...
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Looking Back to Move Forward

IMG_0574
I'm no Anne Frank. Let's begin there. I'm not trying to be famous after I die (what's the value in that?)
I'm not exactly sure why I keep these in the first place.
But what I do believe is that the diaries of my youth have no value if I never go back and read them. And since I'm going back to read them, I may as well share them here as weekly-ish blog posts.
Let's begin where I can begin: January 1, 1991… literally half my life ago. Read More...
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