Covid Is Killing Me

I wasn't sure where to start, and this seemed like the most logical place. It's the record of my life for the past 20 years more or less - longer than that when you add in my journals from the 90s which were transcribed here.
September 13 was the 6 month mark for being off work and home-isolating because of Covid-19. Those six months have amplified the issues I've been struggling with for over a year but It's gotten worse as I've been isolating myself.
I really have started to wonder what I'm doing it all for.
I'm not suicidal, exactly, but I really don't see why I'm living. I don't see why I should bother. Read More...
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As I Approach 52...

First of all, yes, this is very much a cry for help.
My life is out of balance and I'm not sure what to do about it on my own.
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I thought this year would be amazing - I bought a house, I have a new sporty convertible, I'd lost 75 pounds… I was SURE to be popular, go on loads of dates, and perhaps get married by the end of 2019/
But I haven't done a social activity in 4 months.
I have no real friends anymore. Read More...
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December 1995

December 31, 1995
Shall we try again? Another year. Another chance. As I sit here now, I have many tasks facing me... some easier than others, some very challenging, but all are capable of being overcome. This is, traditionally, the time for resolutions, so let's enumerate some of mine, shall we?
Primarily, diet and exercise. Important. Must do. No more excuses. Midnight marked the beginning of Quick Trim. Chicken and veggies and exercise and supplements. 15 pounds in 15 days. Then, Nutri/System or some alternate plan. Possibly the Genesis program...must look into that.
Secondly, housing. I have surrendered my apartment, sold off my furniture and put into storage those items I could not sell. The whole New York story is undone, which may not have been the best idea.... but it is finished. So, find a roommate, stay in West Hollywood?
Third, enjoy this place. Learn to make the most of each day, use the resources of the city - the arts, entertainment, people...... make it INTO something. No more waiting. No one will come to my door and bring me excitement. No one will come to my apartment and offer me love, romance, sex, or friendship.
Fourth, a job. Work. No more unemployment. It might be waiting tables. It might be running a company. But it must be something. Something public. Somewhere where I see others. Where I have coworkers or come into the public eye. Something to make me feel alive.
So, friends will be my support, but I must make it happen. Find a job, a house, a hobby, a body, a friend, a lover, a life.
Find a life of my own.
No -
MAKE a life for myself.
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November 1995

November 26, 1995, 3:05am
It has been a long time since writing, and much has happened. And yet, nothing has been decided. Interviews, trips to Las Vegas and Chicago, winning and losing at cards, at friendships, at love. And yet I am still that spider, still waiting. I do have some new deadlines and some new ideas. The possibilities are unfolding ahead of me, which is relatively new, but I am still immobile, still undecided as to my immediate fate. When the lease is done, when the year has finished...what then? What of me? Where will I call home? What will I own? New York or Las Vegas or points between? Shall I use my truck to haul myself across the states or will I sell it off for the cash and make my trek some other way? I have been keeping a sort of diary in writing recently. My interest in the occult, most specifically. Learning, if you will, the art of the craft of Wicca. I can't yet say that I have applied any practical use of it myself, but I anticipate its use will come in handy, especially if the year ends with no solid career offers in sight. I may have to resort to becoming a traveling gypsy, conjuring for my meals. I have been mostly looking at the history, the legends, the meanings of the greater picture. Recent reading has begun on the origin of a coven or the declaration of an individual. Rituals and tools are the focus. I have decided to read all first before beginning my work on anything particular of a tangible nature such as the knife (athame) or the temple altar. More than just the reading, things have been happening in my life to teach me a great deal about myself. Interpersonal things...just the way I have handled two recent situations come to mind. A guy I had a date with was on the phone for 20 minutes after I arrived. Once off the phone, I made a point to sit him down and tell him how and why I was upset with the situation and that I had thought about leaving but didn't because I preferred to deal with the problem rather than run from it. A second situation happened in Las Vegas where Andrew and I had many misunderstandings about money, our gambling, and our reason for being in Vegas in the first place. I found that a conversation about the misunderstandings cleared up most concerns and we both went on to enjoy the rest of the trip. I suppose I am proving to myself that confrontation of a problem is not the confrontation of an individual. The two are separate and can be dealt with separately. I was upset with the situation of gambling losses when he broke from our system and started using our Blackjack winnings to play Pai Gow Poker and could accept that and still like being with him. It was the first of many lessons I will soon be asked to prove, I suppose, and I embrace the chance to do so.
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August 1995

August 10, 1995, sometime after midnight
Its been a while since I have written. One thing, more than any other prompted me to write at this time. I just ran my horoscope. Most of it is relatively mundane and not at all original. One section, however, has some very heavy insight (coincidence or irony?) -
CONFLICTS:
Saturn in the Seventh House brings an air of seriousness to all your dealings with partners. Also, you are concerned more about the future of business and romantic associates now than at any other time. This is the most ephemeral of transits, and depends greatly on other aspects in the daily chart.
Saturn opposite Pluto marks a time when you may have serious doubts about the direction your life is proceeding, either in relationships or career. This is the time for you either to set aside these doubts or initiate the necessary change. Read More...
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July 1995, Part 3

wilsoncruz1995
July 15, 1995
A fantasy come true. Wait until you hear about this. Remember "My So-Called Life"? Remember how one night I phoned that coffee house called Insomnia in Burbank to track Wilson Cruz down and just say hello? So, last night I meet him at Revolver! "Meet" isn't exactly the right word. I had Wilson naked in my bed. I made him cum twice. So I guess "meet" is kind of a polite word for what I did. It was a total trip. Read More...
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July 1995, Part 2

July 9, 1995
A few days off from writing. And from reading my Miracles work. And from anything remotely social. The good news is that business seems back on track, for what that is worth. I am feeling a bit more secure that the money will keep rolling in and that I don't have to worry yet about homelessness and starvation. On the more personal front, I have a few feelings about which I wish to write. Something happened yesterday that really upset me. I was up on the roof with Scott most of the afternoon getting to know Michael and John a bit better through idle chit-chat poolside over cocktails. Then, as I had a 6:00 client in Toluca Lake, I had to leave, Scott appeared to be leaving on my heels, but said I should go and he would be fine. I later found out that he and Michael spent almost three hours chatting in Michael’s apartment. Read More...
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January 1995, Part 2

jangel3
January 10, 1995
FUCKUPS AND OTHER MYSTERIES
So, I have a man in my life, a clean bill of health and good friends. Who could want anything more? A pervert. A psychotic. Me. Here I am with a lot of good things going for me and I keep giving in to the sexual compulsivity. I skip the gym (though I want a great body so I can get me a man) in order to sleep because I was up till 4 am having sex with someone whose name eludes me. Not even that GREAT looking of a guy, but a willing bottom. And so I give in. I ignore what I say I want to do and do that which I say I do not wish to do. Is there logic or sense at all in the world? Maybe I just miss it but everyone else sees it? So, last night a little Asian boy who wanted to get fucked, tonight was another Asian boy who wanted to be my slave. THAT seems to be the problem, actually, all those bottoms out there enabling me to fall into my addiction. I blame them. They should be punished for tempting me away from my plan. Oh, there I go again. Read More...
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January 1995

I recently discovered the missing year of 1995 in an old Word document. It seems I tried to do my journal electronically for a bit before returning to the old book format. Here, then, are my memories of 1995.

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January 1, 1995
Is Dear Diary too corny a beginning? It is 10:39 pm on the first day of a new year. I have a lot to think about. Love, sex, money.... career, goals, desires.... what is it all about? Too lofty a subject, I think. Let’s start with something more “graspable” to the average reader. I had the best birthday in a number of years last night. Went out to Revolver with Scott S——, got reasonably tipsy and met an actual celebrity, Wilson Cruiz from "My So-Called Life." He was at the bar with Jared Leto. And yes, I took Wilson home. Crazy, right? It was totally corny - I asked him to pretend to be Ricky for a bit, and we got weird with it. We had some great sex and then we got into a great political discussion about Puerto Rico and human rights and being gay and open in the world today. I will totally never see him again, but it's a night for the books. Read More...
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December 1998

wtlv
December 27, 1998
Sunday again. I am in Las Vegas with Jim for a few days. I know it doesn't make sense. In fact, I went to Karen's house today to get her to do a reading for me just to see what he is thinking regarding this trip. She tells me that the cards show this is all about him - he is testing something out in himself. Something about our relationship. As for me, I think nothing can be done. He doesn't love me enough to love me fat - and so, for now, I am unprepared for this strange turn of events. I've dropped enough of my feelings on him in the past 5 years, if there is going to be anything here, he has to make the move. And, I already said, I am far too fat for him to make a move on. He looks great - probably 160-165, lean, tight, smooth. If he can do it at 34, I can do it at 31. So, we are in Vegas. I am writing from the hotel room at 4 am - he is still down in the casino playing blackjack. I was up $185 from a $100 bet and in 4 minutes lost it all. So here I am, down my first $100. Two days left to get it back. Read More...
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July 1997

o-neill-regional-park
July 20, 1997
Time rolls on... I am in the campground of O'Neil Park celebrating a full moon ritual. Some people are friends, others are strangers... and always that sense of being outside of something. There was a line in a movie or play I once saw where the character expresses the feeling of being kept out of some huge secret that everyone else knows. She claims to be walking around and looking for some revealing clue in the faces of the strangers she sees. That is my feeling. And yet, watching and noting the behavior of others, I know that they don't have any secret to which I am not privy. The difference seems to be an ease of communion or a common history or something. I wonder to myself if in 3 years I might feel differently. I cannot say. Part of it is that more and more I abhor the banal and just don't know how to make the small talk that seems to be the glue holding some of these relationships together. Read More...
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November 1996

November 2, 1996
Well, it is done. The Wiccan Year is anew and I have had some wild experiences already. Our Samhain ritual on Halloween was attended by over 35 people. Glad they chose the shop and not my house for it. It was great - the energy was amazing when compared to our class ritual. Men and Woman, Gay and Straight, Young and Old, mixing to celebrate the death/birth of a year. We sent petitions to the God and Goddess to remove hindrances and to ask for blessings. Burning the petitions was a great release. It went along with my own circle work to release my parents and send them love. Read More...
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October 1996

October 18, 1996
(a sunny fall day in the park)
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Again, clearly much has happened. I see patterns everywhere and am actually taking some big steps to stop their repeating. First, I have a handle on my diet again - 20 pounds lost in 6 weeks putting me just over 200 pounds, but losing. Jim is in my life though I don't know how that is working - is being comfortable the same as being happy? The same as being loved and respected? Need to work on that some more. I am also in a Witchcraft class again. Again, not sure if it is the right one for me but I am at least continuing with something; I enjoy the study even if not the students. I have made some changes in my friendships with Anna and Teresa: I told Teresa that she isn't someone I like very much since the wedding and began to tell Anna how I felt let down by her lack of interest in being my close friend. She feels better if she doesn't have to be anyone's foundation - and I can accept that; it means I no longer put up with her need to control everything. I am finally talking about my fear of confrontation. I explained to Anna that by standing her up on plans isn't really just me being a flake, it is me fearing any sort of conflict over my want to change plans. I admitted that I don't trust our friendship enough to risk such an episode. Better I should disappear for a day or two and let it slide than to admit I find something else more interesting than any plans with her. I think by talking about it I may be getting stronger and more secure in my own self and needs to assert my will. One sick pattern on its way down. Work is at least pleasant. I find myself thinking about the easy money of tricking again often. One of my goals for losing weight is to be able to expect to get paid for my body again. I miss the freedom of sleeping in, weekends away, late nights partying. Actually, I want to be young again. Read More...
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Dragged

SashaS9
So this is crazy. I'm watching the finale of Rupaul's Drag Race Season 9 and I got misty eyed.
Oh, I already know who won thanks to FB spoilers starting at 5pm PDT.
But when Sasha and Shea finished their challenge and then just hugged each other, realizing that only one of them could move on and one of them was going home… I nearly cried.
You could see all season how these two loved each other.
You can see in their eyes, their faces, their body language that these are two people who care deeply about one another.
I miss that. Read More...
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The Circus

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Did something I haven't done in a long, long time. Went out to an actual nightclub last night - Stripper Circus at Rich's. I forgot how much I love watching gogo boys. Damn. Gogo boys. Ahem. Yes. Well, I had fun! Read More...
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Getting Through

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I started off thinking about what it means to be a "bear" in the gay world. I did all this research about bear events and the flyers they make for them and the reality of who shows up to the events.
I started reflecting on the kinds of guys who ask me out on dates versus the kinds of guys who want to just hook up with me, and their reasons for doing so.
In a lot of ways, being a "Daddy Bear" has a certain cache in the gay scene.
But only if that daddy bear looks like a muscular underwear model who happens to have a size 34 waist instead of 30, and who maybe has a bit more chest hair than usual.
If you're a 300-pound guy with a waist much larger than your inseam, you aren't what the market is looking for. Read More...
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As Gay as Can Be

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What a difference a year makes. Last year, despite having bought an annual pass with a friend, he went off to Disney's Gay Days without offering me an invitation to join in.
This year, I have made new friends and had a blast at the happiest place on earth. And then after the gay bars closed, I went to Disneyland!
The weekend of gayness and debauchery all began on Friday night.
A boy I've been trying to photograph for months let me know that he would be performing a boylesque routine at the Gossip Grill on Friday night. Rick and I went out to dinner at the Grill, then made our way inside for the show.
Being in a gay bar, it of course began more than half an hour late. The drag queens did two numbers and then took a "20 minute break" which we thought meant half an hour or more…. and since Gossip Grill was a lesbian bar, we aren't that keen on staying. Read More...
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Mmmmmmmassage

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I'm fighting the nap that wants to take hold of me right now.
I'll try to make this quick, so I don't ramble incoherently as I succumb to the soft bed that is calling to me…
I've just come back from a 2 1/2 hour spa day and I am feeling great!
I've been back here in the US for just over 2 full years and I haven't had a single massage in all that time. While I was in Boracay I would get one a week, every week, like clockwork.
I even remember working out the math when I first got back to LA to prove that the cost of a massage in Boracay as a percentage of my total take-home income is the same as the cost of a massage in LA as a percentage of the higher take-home pay. Read More...
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The End

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So this is the end of summer. Today. I go back to work tomorrow for three days of teacher meetings (cue tiny violin).
It has been a great fucking summer.
I got to spend two weeks in Orlando visiting people I love, I spent 6 weeks shooting hot guys every day in their underwear and less.
I made new friends and got involved with art events and theater events around the city.
I think one of the best things to come out of this summer is that I grew. Read More...
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Happy Pride

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For the first time in a long time, I actually went to - and enjoyed - a gay pride festival. I remember back in the day when I was young and the festival was about celebrating coming out and loving, as demonstrated on floats filled with men in speedos or less. Then I turned 30 and moved away to the UK and everything changed.
In my 30's Pride festivals seemed to be about drugs and unprotected unsafe sex in porto-johns. It was about all-night dance parties with hot fit guys, and I was not one of those.The festivals and parades also seemed to be giant commercials, "Pride hosted by Verizon!" or "Albertson's Supports the LGBT Community!" Was this gay?
By the time I was 40, I just wanted to shout: "Get off my lawn!" if the parade got too near or if the festival space slowed my commute.
But this year, I actually had fun.
Partly because they brought the speedo-clad sexy boys back on the floats. Read More...
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Orlando, I Love You

PulseBenefitPH-31
I have just come back from getting LIFE!
Thank you, Orlando family, for being what I needed at this stage in the game. As I mentioned a bit ago, things with the Happy Hour Group were falling apart, and I really needed some love and fun and friendship from people I've known and loved for 5 years.
True, I did start drinking at 7pm on July 4 and didn't stop until I went to bed on July 13.
True, my body feels absolutely beat up from all the drinking and the heat and the smokey bars…
But every wince of pain reminds me that I had a fucking good time with my people in Otown. Read More...
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Chinua Achebe Was Right

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Some background:
Meetup.com is a place where you can find others who have common interests and plan to meet up. If you're into collecting Disney pins, or lawn darts, or skydiving, you can find a Meetup group to share your passion.
When I moved to San Diego, one of my first priorities was joining a Meetup group for gay men in the area. I found one specifically for single men over 35. These are my people.
Now, on to the story…
Read More...
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Beach Blanket Bummer

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So I've been obsessing about something for the past 24 hours and I figured that if I wrote about it, maybe I could exorcise it from my brain pan.
Last night I totally got ditched by 20 people at a party.
Let me back up and explain. Read More...
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Backing Away

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It is said that what annoys you most in others is often a reflection of what annoys you about yourself. The traits that annoy us most in others are probably the issues we most need to work on the most. Fuck that noise.
I hate flaky behavior. Read More...
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Gettin' Active

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My review of Friday night: Happy Hour at Top of the Bay is a beautiful location with beautiful men and views. Of men.
And I don't lie.
It may be the prettiest place I've been since I moved down here; dingy dive-y Pecs it ain't.
But this was just the end of a really great week. There is so much more to tell. Read More...
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Socialite

WBC Heart Paw-01
Where do I begin this week? It's been two weeks since I wrote - I think I needed that much time to recover from that 8 hour drinking binge on Sunday Funday, which I celebrated this weekend with a 6 hour drinking binge on Friday night. Read More...
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Sunday Funday

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Damn.
I took today off work. I had to.
I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and I was still drunk. I almost fell over going to the bathroom - not because it was dark, but because someone kept shaking the floor like an old rug they were airing out.
I drank a lot on Sunday.
And it's all Phat's fault. Read More...
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Running Up That Hill

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Who knew that just trying one thing different - going solo to a show - could start so much change?
Yes, I dove in and went to a play by myself. And yes, I was asked to step in for a missing photographer. And they liked my work.
And I enjoyed the show.
And then that Friday night I went out with the Gay Happy Hour group and had a great time in a new bar. And then Saturday I went out to a bar that is walking distance from my apartment - WALKING. DISTANCE. - and hung out with the San Diego Bears for a social hour night. And then… Read More...
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Breaking Out

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I know how it feels to be cooling my heels, I've been down on them long enough. But if I take to them now then maybe somehow, you'll see through the bluff, I'm not playing it ought. I've been a lifetime on deposit and that's a long time in the closet, and if you say to me, "How was it?" It was hard taking that heart-breaking god-forsaken route, but I'm (ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba) breaking out."
- Oscar Drill and the Bits Read More...
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Exploring

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So much newness going on.
I've met new people, I've had a date, I've finished my first day at the new job.
Where should I start?
So my first night down here, I met up with Jeff for deli sandwiches and chatter. This past weekend I dragged him and his boyfriend out to Balboa Park to wander around taking photos. We must have walked around for an hour or more on a beautifully sunny San Diego Saturday. Then we had Chinese food in Hillcrest and enjoyed a bit of lunch together. It was nice being out and meeting new people. They invited me to a bear party that evening, but for some reason I didn't go. I'm not very good at parties unless I have an anchor friend to hang with - maybe that was it. Read More...
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Moved In

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Well, February 3 began with me living in Hollywood, and ended with me living in San Diego.
I am not a Sandy Eggan. In training.
I'm really pleased with Day One: the movers were great, they did everything and sipped coffee and watched as the two Russian men loaded all my belongings into the giant truck that I didn't have to drive; the freeway was bare so that I got down to SD in just a bit over two hours, and had time for lunch and a little nap before the movers arrived to unload all my belongings into the new apartment; the apartment is huge, not just because it has two bedrooms, but the rooms are each huge; the water is clean and pure, no more yellowy tapwater from the apartment pipes; the water pressure is amazing, and hot!
So much good about the move. Read More...
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Everything Changes

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I've just come back from two days in San Diego chasing what I hope will be a good dream.
I have always loved San Diego - all those night trips to the Loading Zone leather bar in the borrowed white VW Cabriolet, blue and white striped luggage in the trunk for a quick change of clothes after all-night drinking binges. I have enjoyed sleeping on the beach in front of the Hotel Del Coronado when we were too drunk to drive home after said nights. I have so many memories of SD in my 20's… and then it just stopped being a real place.
All of that is to say that I am now moving to San Diego. Read More...
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A Flicker in the Dark

Two weeks of the new year are over. The holidays are now fading back into the fog.
In those two weeks, I've had two social outings - both with Roger. Nobody else seems to remember that I'm still here. Which is fine. It's giving me motivation to find work elsewhere and to, once again, move on and start over.
I have had quite a lot of interest in my resume; quite a few schools all over California and Asia have set up interviews. I was feeling really good about the fact that my resume and reputation are so positive and popular. Read More...
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