November 1995

November 26, 1995, 3:05am
It has been a long time since writing, and much has happened. And yet, nothing has been decided. Interviews, trips to Las Vegas and Chicago, winning and losing at cards, at friendships, at love. And yet I am still that spider, still waiting. I do have some new deadlines and some new ideas. The possibilities are unfolding ahead of me, which is relatively new, but I am still immobile, still undecided as to my immediate fate. When the lease is done, when the year has finished...what then? What of me? Where will I call home? What will I own? New York or Las Vegas or points between? Shall I use my truck to haul myself across the states or will I sell it off for the cash and make my trek some other way? I have been keeping a sort of diary in writing recently. My interest in the occult, most specifically. Learning, if you will, the art of the craft of Wicca. I can't yet say that I have applied any practical use of it myself, but I anticipate its use will come in handy, especially if the year ends with no solid career offers in sight. I may have to resort to becoming a traveling gypsy, conjuring for my meals. I have been mostly looking at the history, the legends, the meanings of the greater picture. Recent reading has begun on the origin of a coven or the declaration of an individual. Rituals and tools are the focus. I have decided to read all first before beginning my work on anything particular of a tangible nature such as the knife (athame) or the temple altar. More than just the reading, things have been happening in my life to teach me a great deal about myself. Interpersonal things...just the way I have handled two recent situations come to mind. A guy I had a date with was on the phone for 20 minutes after I arrived. Once off the phone, I made a point to sit him down and tell him how and why I was upset with the situation and that I had thought about leaving but didn't because I preferred to deal with the problem rather than run from it. A second situation happened in Las Vegas where Andrew and I had many misunderstandings about money, our gambling, and our reason for being in Vegas in the first place. I found that a conversation about the misunderstandings cleared up most concerns and we both went on to enjoy the rest of the trip. I suppose I am proving to myself that confrontation of a problem is not the confrontation of an individual. The two are separate and can be dealt with separately. I was upset with the situation of gambling losses when he broke from our system and started using our Blackjack winnings to play Pai Gow Poker and could accept that and still like being with him. It was the first of many lessons I will soon be asked to prove, I suppose, and I embrace the chance to do so.
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August 1995

August 10, 1995, sometime after midnight
Its been a while since I have written. One thing, more than any other prompted me to write at this time. I just ran my horoscope. Most of it is relatively mundane and not at all original. One section, however, has some very heavy insight (coincidence or irony?) -
CONFLICTS:
Saturn in the Seventh House brings an air of seriousness to all your dealings with partners. Also, you are concerned more about the future of business and romantic associates now than at any other time. This is the most ephemeral of transits, and depends greatly on other aspects in the daily chart.
Saturn opposite Pluto marks a time when you may have serious doubts about the direction your life is proceeding, either in relationships or career. This is the time for you either to set aside these doubts or initiate the necessary change. Read More...
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July 1997

o-neill-regional-park
July 20, 1997
Time rolls on... I am in the campground of O'Neil Park celebrating a full moon ritual. Some people are friends, others are strangers... and always that sense of being outside of something. There was a line in a movie or play I once saw where the character expresses the feeling of being kept out of some huge secret that everyone else knows. She claims to be walking around and looking for some revealing clue in the faces of the strangers she sees. That is my feeling. And yet, watching and noting the behavior of others, I know that they don't have any secret to which I am not privy. The difference seems to be an ease of communion or a common history or something. I wonder to myself if in 3 years I might feel differently. I cannot say. Part of it is that more and more I abhor the banal and just don't know how to make the small talk that seems to be the glue holding some of these relationships together. Read More...
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November 1996

November 2, 1996
Well, it is done. The Wiccan Year is anew and I have had some wild experiences already. Our Samhain ritual on Halloween was attended by over 35 people. Glad they chose the shop and not my house for it. It was great - the energy was amazing when compared to our class ritual. Men and Woman, Gay and Straight, Young and Old, mixing to celebrate the death/birth of a year. We sent petitions to the God and Goddess to remove hindrances and to ask for blessings. Burning the petitions was a great release. It went along with my own circle work to release my parents and send them love. Read More...
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October 1996

October 18, 1996
(a sunny fall day in the park)
89123074
Again, clearly much has happened. I see patterns everywhere and am actually taking some big steps to stop their repeating. First, I have a handle on my diet again - 20 pounds lost in 6 weeks putting me just over 200 pounds, but losing. Jim is in my life though I don't know how that is working - is being comfortable the same as being happy? The same as being loved and respected? Need to work on that some more. I am also in a Witchcraft class again. Again, not sure if it is the right one for me but I am at least continuing with something; I enjoy the study even if not the students. I have made some changes in my friendships with Anna and Teresa: I told Teresa that she isn't someone I like very much since the wedding and began to tell Anna how I felt let down by her lack of interest in being my close friend. She feels better if she doesn't have to be anyone's foundation - and I can accept that; it means I no longer put up with her need to control everything. I am finally talking about my fear of confrontation. I explained to Anna that by standing her up on plans isn't really just me being a flake, it is me fearing any sort of conflict over my want to change plans. I admitted that I don't trust our friendship enough to risk such an episode. Better I should disappear for a day or two and let it slide than to admit I find something else more interesting than any plans with her. I think by talking about it I may be getting stronger and more secure in my own self and needs to assert my will. One sick pattern on its way down. Work is at least pleasant. I find myself thinking about the easy money of tricking again often. One of my goals for losing weight is to be able to expect to get paid for my body again. I miss the freedom of sleeping in, weekends away, late nights partying. Actually, I want to be young again. Read More...
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November 1992

November 24, 1992
The longest journey begins with the tiniest step forward. And for a change, I am not prompted to write due to a new man in my life. No, this time I am looking for a new me in my life. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it really frightened me that I couldn't find much to be thankful for. It isn't a good feeling to wake up each day and have nothing to look forward to. No goals. No dreams. No love. No life. I need a change. I watched Shirley MacLaine's movie "Out on a Limb" and realized that a long time ago I began a journey that I aborted and never looked for a final answer. Now it is my time to find my answer. Exercise and diet are my first tools, study and research will be next tools in my quest. I begin now. Only good food for my body. In the morning I am gonna skate down to the beach. I think it would be healthy for me to get a start before the sun sets. Read More...
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