December 1995

December 31, 1995
Shall we try again? Another year. Another chance. As I sit here now, I have many tasks facing me... some easier than others, some very challenging, but all are capable of being overcome. This is, traditionally, the time for resolutions, so let's enumerate some of mine, shall we?
Primarily, diet and exercise. Important. Must do. No more excuses. Midnight marked the beginning of Quick Trim. Chicken and veggies and exercise and supplements. 15 pounds in 15 days. Then, Nutri/System or some alternate plan. Possibly the Genesis program...must look into that.
Secondly, housing. I have surrendered my apartment, sold off my furniture and put into storage those items I could not sell. The whole New York story is undone, which may not have been the best idea.... but it is finished. So, find a roommate, stay in West Hollywood?
Third, enjoy this place. Learn to make the most of each day, use the resources of the city - the arts, entertainment, people...... make it INTO something. No more waiting. No one will come to my door and bring me excitement. No one will come to my apartment and offer me love, romance, sex, or friendship.
Fourth, a job. Work. No more unemployment. It might be waiting tables. It might be running a company. But it must be something. Something public. Somewhere where I see others. Where I have coworkers or come into the public eye. Something to make me feel alive.
So, friends will be my support, but I must make it happen. Find a job, a house, a hobby, a body, a friend, a lover, a life.
Find a life of my own.
No -
MAKE a life for myself.
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November 1995

November 26, 1995, 3:05am
It has been a long time since writing, and much has happened. And yet, nothing has been decided. Interviews, trips to Las Vegas and Chicago, winning and losing at cards, at friendships, at love. And yet I am still that spider, still waiting. I do have some new deadlines and some new ideas. The possibilities are unfolding ahead of me, which is relatively new, but I am still immobile, still undecided as to my immediate fate. When the lease is done, when the year has finished...what then? What of me? Where will I call home? What will I own? New York or Las Vegas or points between? Shall I use my truck to haul myself across the states or will I sell it off for the cash and make my trek some other way? I have been keeping a sort of diary in writing recently. My interest in the occult, most specifically. Learning, if you will, the art of the craft of Wicca. I can't yet say that I have applied any practical use of it myself, but I anticipate its use will come in handy, especially if the year ends with no solid career offers in sight. I may have to resort to becoming a traveling gypsy, conjuring for my meals. I have been mostly looking at the history, the legends, the meanings of the greater picture. Recent reading has begun on the origin of a coven or the declaration of an individual. Rituals and tools are the focus. I have decided to read all first before beginning my work on anything particular of a tangible nature such as the knife (athame) or the temple altar. More than just the reading, things have been happening in my life to teach me a great deal about myself. Interpersonal things...just the way I have handled two recent situations come to mind. A guy I had a date with was on the phone for 20 minutes after I arrived. Once off the phone, I made a point to sit him down and tell him how and why I was upset with the situation and that I had thought about leaving but didn't because I preferred to deal with the problem rather than run from it. A second situation happened in Las Vegas where Andrew and I had many misunderstandings about money, our gambling, and our reason for being in Vegas in the first place. I found that a conversation about the misunderstandings cleared up most concerns and we both went on to enjoy the rest of the trip. I suppose I am proving to myself that confrontation of a problem is not the confrontation of an individual. The two are separate and can be dealt with separately. I was upset with the situation of gambling losses when he broke from our system and started using our Blackjack winnings to play Pai Gow Poker and could accept that and still like being with him. It was the first of many lessons I will soon be asked to prove, I suppose, and I embrace the chance to do so.
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October 1995

Empire_State_Building_(HDR)
October 20, 1995
I really suck at this thing. So much for chronicling a life in progress. More like a eulogy for a life that has died. I wanted to touch in here before bed tonight to start off the morning on the right track. I am fat. I am well on my way to being very fat and very unhappy. So before I get to that point I want to explore why I am hurting myself by letting myself get fat. Why do I allow myself to give in to the desire to go to 7-11 for ice cream every day? Why do I let myself be tempted by brownies and candy bars? Do I really hate myself that much? And if so, what can I do about it? Money is tight. No, not tight, non-existent. I quit my job a month ago and have made almost no money since. I have, however, spent over a thousand dollars on clothes and almost another three-thousand on trips to NYC . I must be fucking insane. Read More...
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August 1995

August 10, 1995, sometime after midnight
Its been a while since I have written. One thing, more than any other prompted me to write at this time. I just ran my horoscope. Most of it is relatively mundane and not at all original. One section, however, has some very heavy insight (coincidence or irony?) -
CONFLICTS:
Saturn in the Seventh House brings an air of seriousness to all your dealings with partners. Also, you are concerned more about the future of business and romantic associates now than at any other time. This is the most ephemeral of transits, and depends greatly on other aspects in the daily chart.
Saturn opposite Pluto marks a time when you may have serious doubts about the direction your life is proceeding, either in relationships or career. This is the time for you either to set aside these doubts or initiate the necessary change. Read More...
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July 1995, Part 2

July 9, 1995
A few days off from writing. And from reading my Miracles work. And from anything remotely social. The good news is that business seems back on track, for what that is worth. I am feeling a bit more secure that the money will keep rolling in and that I don't have to worry yet about homelessness and starvation. On the more personal front, I have a few feelings about which I wish to write. Something happened yesterday that really upset me. I was up on the roof with Scott most of the afternoon getting to know Michael and John a bit better through idle chit-chat poolside over cocktails. Then, as I had a 6:00 client in Toluca Lake, I had to leave, Scott appeared to be leaving on my heels, but said I should go and he would be fine. I later found out that he and Michael spent almost three hours chatting in Michael’s apartment. Read More...
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July 1995

July 1, 1995
astrology
The Second Half Begins
So, six months down, six to go in the year. Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.... As a benchmark, or a milestone, or one of those “You Are Here” indicators, I am making new resolutions to improve my life. There is not much I can do about the job situation at present, but there is much I can do for my body and soul - things I have neglected or forgotten during the previous six months. I commit now, then, to healthy eating plan to be as low in fat and as low in calories as possible. At the same time, I must eat enough to maintain my gym workouts (at least one a day barring any major mishaps). I am going once in the day for aerobics and once in the afternoon for free weights. I will also do a second aerobic workout if time permits. Spiritually I have been remiss in my upkeep as well. I am therefore beginning my work in “A Course in Miracles” once again with today as day one. I will work on that each morning, and will write in here my goal for the day. I will also spend today coming up with some kind of budget for the month of July. I still maintain that I can survive with one client per day at $60 per client. Now I have to keep myself on track enough to get to the paper in time to make advertising deadlines so that I don't have another three week dry spell. All would be pretty good right now if I hadn’t missed that deadline last month. Obviously that was some sort of psychological sabotage on myself from my subconscious. I know that tricking isn’t the most glamorous life, but it IS at least a life. Better than a great deal of options open to me such as sharing this tiny apartment or living in the back of my truck. So, with positive attitude and improved mental and physical states, I begin this second half of 1995 refreshed, renewed and newly committed to self improvement. Read More...
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May 1995

May 21, 1995
The Real World
So, I am sitting here watching the MTV Real World Marathon - you know, when people stop acting polite and start being real. And I am about to do the same thing. This whole week has been a situation where I have allowed myself to be repeatedly hurt by Scott and I am really sick of it. All week long, he has said “Let’s go out tonight” and then, after I turn down clients or turn down hookups with BBS guys, I get a phone call saying “I am too tired” or some similar story. And I fell for it time and again. On the one hand, I have filled the time with clients and whatnot, but when push came to shove and he Changed His Mind on Friday about going out for coffee, then decided that he didn’t want to tackle traffic and meet me on Saturday night, when he kept me waiting in a bar for an hour and a half, and then today, knowing that I wanted to LEAVE for the Long Beach Gay Pride Festival by noon - he calls today at 1:00 to say that he hasn’t had a shower, hasn’t had lunch and he doesn’t know how he feels about going to the festival. Its like I am not important enough to be on time or not important enough to keep an agreement, date, whatever. I don't care for that feeling at all. So, how to bring it up? Read More...
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February 1995, Part 2

February 28, 1995
Mardi Gras Night
Yes, I’m back.
With yet another get rich quick scheme.
No, wait, that’s not right...with another weight loss/lifestyle improvement course, yeah, THAT’s it.
I, Mathew James Anthony Watkins, do hereby solemnly swear to do an aerobics class tomorrow morning. I will also eat a balanced meal plan for the day. I will also either do an aerobics class in the evening or a workout. This is, after all, the beginning of Lent. And, being a good Catholic (sorry to the gods for that one) I am going to make the above pledge daily. I mean, here it is - Mardi Gras - and I can’t fit into my skirt!
I really do need to do something to keep me focused. I have lost my job due to my own negligence and lack of concern for it. I am in a relatively unhappy relationship with Dorian and am doing nothing to really change that. I need to get back on track so that I can be in shape for the pride season (not THAT song again!) I also have an ad to be run in mid-March for a masseur and need to be presentable for my clients, what? So, at 9:24 as I drink my vodka & coffee and prepare myself for streetwalking, I write my hopes here. Help me to keep them and to mean them - one day at a time for the next 40 days at least. After all, I might be tempted to go to that White Party in the desert after all... Read More...
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February 1995, Part 1

February 1, 1995
EVER WONDER HOW THINGS GET DONE?
I sometimes wonder how I have managed to do anything in my life. Ah, but that sounds awfully self-deprecating. Perhaps I should instead wonder why I let the little things in life get me down. I refer, of course, to whatever little thing is bothering me at the moment. I do not as yet even have a name for it. It remains “that thing”.... it has caused me to avoid work, avoid calling all but the closest of friends, avoid even eating the right foods at the right times, avoid doing those things that I “should” be doing on a day off since I have decided not to work. I have quite literally spent three days doing nothing. I have no progress to show for it, short of one load of laundry that I did at Scott’s house one night to save two bucks in change. The crazy thing is that I feel not unlike some sort of demented vampyre. I do nothing - literally nothing - all day long. At 4:30 I wake from the sleep of the undead to go to the gym, progress along with my day, groceries, laundry, renting videos, that sort of thing. I then stay awake masturbating until all hours only to sleep through the following day. I did go to the doctor to check on a cut on my thumb that I have had for quite some time - 7 weeks by my count - and that can count for half a day off, maybe one full day if the clinic was exceptionally busy. But to make three days out of it...what is wrong with me? I talk about it and say that if I was in a more structured job I wouldn't be getting away with this. I should say that I wouldn’t be trying to get away with it. After all, my major in school really was all about getting by on the minimum input of effort. And that backfired to a certain degree. It is perversely funny but I do find myself wishing in some corner of my mind that my HIV results had come back differently. Somehow, wishing that I could derive the courage from a positive result to go out and DO something that I want to do. Is that what this is about? Feeling guilty because I am not dying? Feeling guilty because I live, paycheck to paycheck, with so little inconvenience in my life that I have to cause some drama to make up for that which nature deprives me? Richard calls and complains, but the reality is that he has given each employee 5 sick days. No one else is “on call” during their sick time. I am not doing anything technically wrong. Will that technicality hold? Why do I insist on testing it? I saw Dorian tonight. It was either a judgment on his part or else a projection of my own judgment onto him, but I swear I felt disappointment from him at my rather cavalier attitude toward work. In my mind’s games, I saw him rescinding any potential offer of the two of us going back to Michigan to open that little antique mall together living blissfully at home on the range. Would I be happier if I did chuck it all and head to Paris for an indefinite period of time? Would that be running to something or just running? Read More...
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October 1996

October 18, 1996
(a sunny fall day in the park)
89123074
Again, clearly much has happened. I see patterns everywhere and am actually taking some big steps to stop their repeating. First, I have a handle on my diet again - 20 pounds lost in 6 weeks putting me just over 200 pounds, but losing. Jim is in my life though I don't know how that is working - is being comfortable the same as being happy? The same as being loved and respected? Need to work on that some more. I am also in a Witchcraft class again. Again, not sure if it is the right one for me but I am at least continuing with something; I enjoy the study even if not the students. I have made some changes in my friendships with Anna and Teresa: I told Teresa that she isn't someone I like very much since the wedding and began to tell Anna how I felt let down by her lack of interest in being my close friend. She feels better if she doesn't have to be anyone's foundation - and I can accept that; it means I no longer put up with her need to control everything. I am finally talking about my fear of confrontation. I explained to Anna that by standing her up on plans isn't really just me being a flake, it is me fearing any sort of conflict over my want to change plans. I admitted that I don't trust our friendship enough to risk such an episode. Better I should disappear for a day or two and let it slide than to admit I find something else more interesting than any plans with her. I think by talking about it I may be getting stronger and more secure in my own self and needs to assert my will. One sick pattern on its way down. Work is at least pleasant. I find myself thinking about the easy money of tricking again often. One of my goals for losing weight is to be able to expect to get paid for my body again. I miss the freedom of sleeping in, weekends away, late nights partying. Actually, I want to be young again. Read More...
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March 1994

March 27, 1994
Day one (again) for my health regime. I refuse to believe that my ideal weight is 185. Let's shoot for 165, shall we? Fat-free & workouts are my goals. Let the rest take care of itself. Two men in my life, yet neither of them makes me as happy as a fun day with Thom. Roommates in our house for one month now. Been topsy-turvey. Working in LA now and am the golden boy. Still must work on building friendships and building a support network. I will call the gay center and explain my feelings of a stranger in paradise. Ha. Movies with Alex tonight. It's very nice to have an ex- as a friend. Note: he and I broke up after my Las Vegas trip indiscretion ("Thank you for coming out of my dreams and into my life.") Want to get back into computers and photography. I need a hobby to be more interesting I think. Therefore I am. Read More...
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July 1993

ripples
July 12, 1993
I have decided that Steven is important enough to begin writing about. So, in brief, here is a recap of the last week.
July 3 - met Steven Allen M----- at Ripples. Took him home. Oral sex, no intercourse. Lots of conversation and giddy "mushy" talk. Beach sunrise.
July 4 - Went to a party with Thom at Steven's new house. He walked me home and spent the night. More of the same as above.
July 6 - 10:30 pm phone call. Steven invites me over to his house. No sex at all. MUCH personal talk - pasts, family, etc.
July 10 - First Date. Picnic in my living room. Steven brings Chinese. Flowers for him. His face broken out from my beard while kissing him. Spent the night but no more kissing and, consequently, no intercourse. Discussion of my fear of sexual penetration. Talk of future plans. Watched Steel Magnolias. Read More...
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November 1993

9809281
November 22, 1993
Time heals everything - so give me more time. Fucked up at work again. Hid from Clay all weekend and now he wants to know where I was when he needed me. I don't want the responsibility but I somehow want the perks. We have a meeting scheduled for after work on Tuesday to discuss "my future with the company." I have a date tonight with a guy who is seeing someone else in a "committed relationship." What am I doing?! Watched Oprah today - a show about her 35 year battle with fat. She was reading journal entries, that is what made me dig this up again. There are almost three years of history in this tome. Anyway, more on fat later. Read More...
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March 1993

March 2, 1993
Hey, kids, what time is it? It's psycho killer mystery theater time; the time when I tell a story so when I become a gun-wielding maniac they can read this and understand. Tonight's episode: Jason. You remember, from 6 February. So the whole time I am in Hawaii he is thinking how I treat him so well and how he can see a future with me and how he missed me greatly. He even got upset that I didn't call him the minute I got home. So we made a date for tonight. Nothing. No sparks, no passion, no romance, not even much conversation. He couldn't tell me in person what he said on the phone. Makes one wonder, does it not? Here is this guy I find very interesting and extremely attractive laying with his legs across my lap, all the while me stroking his chest and legs and he does not make the slightest move toward me. And talking about it only makes it worse. I even went so far as to tell him that he should call me when he can talk and I will see him again then. At least he is honest enough to tell me that I hurt his feelings with that comment. More later. Read More...
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WTF

9106201a
January 30, 1991
Sunrise, sunset… swiftly flow the days. So much has happened. World events aside (though I have been saving the front page of the paper for posterity), domestic trials appear to be over. I have seen a therapist who Carolyn and I both feel might help. She and I have reconciled most of our differences and are trying a new approach to a relationship - honesty. We have cleansed a lot of old issues and decided against taboos in our marriage. We have even been making new friends: a married couple with whom we work. We have also been integrated into the work clique as we have been to happy hour and a Super Bowl party with the group. Andrew is phasing out, Christopher is a fringe and I have found sincere friendship in Carolyn. School is in full swing and is keeping me very busy. Yesterday was my first anniversary at AVED - a feat of which I was considerably proud seeing as I have only remained steadily employed for this duration once before in my life: Claim Jumper. No one at AVED even remarked on it, nor has anyone made any offer of a performance or wage review. I have been terrified of broaching the subject - and generally feeling unappreciated. The hour is late, more tomorrow. Read More...
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The Return

I haven't posted much about this at all, but since I've gone through to the other side, I want to say that I'm grateful to have been offered my job back for next year.
I was given a RIF notice (a layoff notice for non-teacher types) in March because of an $11M budget shortfall for next year. However last night the board voted to rescind my termination and keep my contract running for another year.
I've been moody and feeling negative for about two months since I found out, and today is the first day that I feel like I know that I'm going to be ok, staying here in San Diego, and enjoying my summer with the assurance of a job and paycheck next fall.
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Switching Gears

overeaters-anonymous-product-image
I don't know how I feel about putting this all out here yet, but since it is something that frightens me, I feel like maybe I should just do it and get over it.
It's a step in dealing with my constant anxiety.
What I am saying in public is that I am a compulsive overeater and have a very negative relationship with food.
I am an emotional binger and my triggers are anxiety and panic. Read More...
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The Story So Far...

About a month ago I told the tale of how I have been terminated for next year because of budget cuts and federal government uncertainty in how public schools will be funded.
Today, I give you an update.
We had a meeting with the district superintendent and learned that because the state budget comes out on the same date as the May board meeting, there will be no discussion of rescinding RIF notices or rehiring staff at that meeting. The next meeting is in June, after the school year ends. Read More...
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Fired Up

161201-Lunch-005-Edit
I'm not sure what is stranger - that I haven't blogged anything in two months or that I am back today, blogging again.
Anyway, I was motivated to write my feelings in order to keep from sliding into some dark place.
You see, today I was fired. Read More...
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Non-Reactive

14992080_10155400235198496_8643795238920737432_n
I haven't talked to anyone in 3 days.
I mean, I've gone to work, I've done my job, I've taught. But I haven't engaged with any adults on the topic of Tuesday's election.
I haven't made a Facebook post or commented on any other posts on the topic.
I haven't been texting my friends for our daily bullshit like I used to do.
I'm not shocked. I'm not stunned… Read More...
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The Beginning

Today was the first day of school; it was a minimum day so I had 34 minutes with each of my classes.
I remember nothing about them.
It's all a blur.
Maybe because all I can concentrate on is that the wonderful photo streak I had going on is officially over.
I mean, I've gone from images like this:
160718-Smoking-018-Edit
To photos of…. eggs. Read More...
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Summer Session

Keep-Calm-English-teacher
I got a message from a colleague at my old school. You may recall that I left there rather suddenly, and that one of the main reasons was the (in my opinion) poor leadership of the principal and the lack of support she gave the staff.
I got a message that she has quit. She is not coming back next year. She is done.
For a brief moment I felt like - "Oh no! I should have stayed! Things can get better now that she's gone!" Read More...
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Natural Masculinity

midway
I see it all the time online: "Masc 4 masc only" but I never pay much attention to it. If you're sucking dick, you can be masculine, effeminate, bearish, bullish, I don't care. I find masculine hairy men attractive sometimes; I find smooth slender, slightly feminine men attractive sometimes. There's a whole package to connect with, right? Read More...
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It Is Done

160218-Background-002
So as of midnight tonight, my lease is up on my Hollywood apartment. I no longer rent two homes, and I am no longer tied to anything in Los Angeles.
In the short 3 weeks that I have been in San Diego, I have come to see that this was, indeed, a very good thing.
Sure, I said the same thing about coming back from Boracay to Hollywood, but that was akin to Romeo's mad love upon seeing Juliet, a girl he knew nothing of. I knew nothing of what life would be like in Hollywood. And it wasn't me. Read More...
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Week One Done

IMG_0751
I have completed one week at my new job. My first high school job. It was a tough start, but definitely a good move for me.
Though I spent a few days with the outgoing teacher getting ready, I wasn't prepared for the first moment when that first bell rang on Tuesday. The school had scheduled a lock-down drill. I hadn't even introduced myself to the class of 32 students when the lockdown began. Here I am, someone they don't know, someone they have no respect for yet, trying to get them to focus and be quiet for a 40-minute lockdown drill where the local police came around testing every door, looking at every room, and giving on-the-scene advice about door barricades, lights, sound, etc. It was a good learning experience, but it was a horrible way to start my first day.
It got better as the day, and week, continued. Read More...
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Exploring

160206-JustNow-011
So much newness going on.
I've met new people, I've had a date, I've finished my first day at the new job.
Where should I start?
So my first night down here, I met up with Jeff for deli sandwiches and chatter. This past weekend I dragged him and his boyfriend out to Balboa Park to wander around taking photos. We must have walked around for an hour or more on a beautifully sunny San Diego Saturday. Then we had Chinese food in Hillcrest and enjoyed a bit of lunch together. It was nice being out and meeting new people. They invited me to a bear party that evening, but for some reason I didn't go. I'm not very good at parties unless I have an anchor friend to hang with - maybe that was it. Read More...
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Quittin' Time

Today at 4:15 was the most nervous I've been in ages. I'd been leading up to it all day, but 4:15 was the moment when I was ready - I went downstairs to the administration office and asked to speak to the principal. She was busy rehearsing the opening number of the spring musical.
I went into the rehearsal room and asked if she would have any time available between now and 4:30.
She said she did not; she would be choreographing this number until after 5:30. She asked if it was urgent. Read More...
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Everything Changes

160121-Morning-002
I've just come back from two days in San Diego chasing what I hope will be a good dream.
I have always loved San Diego - all those night trips to the Loading Zone leather bar in the borrowed white VW Cabriolet, blue and white striped luggage in the trunk for a quick change of clothes after all-night drinking binges. I have enjoyed sleeping on the beach in front of the Hotel Del Coronado when we were too drunk to drive home after said nights. I have so many memories of SD in my 20's… and then it just stopped being a real place.
All of that is to say that I am now moving to San Diego. Read More...
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A Flicker in the Dark

Two weeks of the new year are over. The holidays are now fading back into the fog.
In those two weeks, I've had two social outings - both with Roger. Nobody else seems to remember that I'm still here. Which is fine. It's giving me motivation to find work elsewhere and to, once again, move on and start over.
I have had quite a lot of interest in my resume; quite a few schools all over California and Asia have set up interviews. I was feeling really good about the fact that my resume and reputation are so positive and popular. Read More...
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At the Start

120910 - 22
Here we are, one week into 2016. I thought I'd check in and start using my blog for personal therapy. I haven't got anyone else to talk to, so like an 11-year-old girl talking to her diary, I'm here to talk to you.
What's good?
Over winter break, I filled out dozens of job applications for teaching positions both here in California and overseas with recruiting agencies.
This week, I've had 4 interview offers. Read More...
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